Letters to my Greatgrand-daughter : The Cheatee

Dear Charly,

If you have been cheated on, you need to cry. That's step one. Cry it all out, unabashed and without control......privately, NOT in front of him.

You might want to throw in a few "heartbreak" songs but only the ones that promise you will survive and what not.

The next thing to do is to burn his clothes!!!! I'm kidding. (Hollywood dictates that you burn his clothes....who comes up with this stuff, anyway?) Don't do that. Mainly because it's too much trouble and because you have better things to do. Not to mention that punishment only actually strikes a note if his clothes are really important to him and cost a fortune. If he shops at Kiton or Brioni (6000 to 50,000 USD per suit), it would make sense but then again he's very likely to replace it without flinching. It goes without saying that you should end the relationship with this boyfriend.

Do not call the girl he's seeing. I repeat do not call or even worse,

visit

the girl he is seeing. It would either result in a cat fight which is just distasteful. Or she could give you the "if you can't keep your man......." line. Alternatively, you could both bond, then dance to Beyonce and Shakira's "Beautiful liar" and go home. You would agree that none of this is time spent wisely neither does it provide closure.

Closure is most elusive after being cheated on. Ideally, an apology should fix it but that hardly comes along and if it does it's usually not sincere. So how do you get closure?

The most popular way is to "rebound". To get a new boyfriend or to have a fling. Unfortunately, this isn't closure, it's just a distraction; an attempt to feel wanted and significant. It's usually not well thought out and is almost always at the expense of the emotions of the new guy.

What you want is suppor, from friends and  family and yourself.

Pull yourself together. Dress up and go out. Even if you are indoors. Perfume too.

Try not to hate... it just gives you wrinkles. Skip that phase. Skip the name-calling too. Try writing out how you feel, all the venom and anger on a sheet or a screen. Write it all out. When you read it five years later, you'd roll your eyes at how overdramatic you sounded. I read mine recently. I had to shred it immediately. My French could not be excused.

Wipe out every trace of him; gifts especially. No bonfire necessary. Donate to a charity.

So he's physically gone. He needs to be mentally absent too. You need a hobby. I know I say this in every letter. You do need a hobby; a productive, time-consuming one, that engages your creative mind. Make something, design something. Try a new sport.

Hopefully, you never get cheated on and don't need this letter. However, if you do, don't let this experience leave you wary of men. If it happens with more than one guy, don't become jaded and paranoid. Not all men cheat. It's the truth.

So remember; cry, ignore him and the girlie, get support, write it all out, get a hobby and stay wrinkle-free.

If he comes back and begs, you know what to do.

Love,

Greatgran x

Ps: don't even think about taking him back. 

Disclaimer: Charly is not married and so she's free to cut her losses. 

The bartender series: The Rouse of the Dance

I have hung up my proverbial “boot”.

And I say this emphatically as some folks are still in doubt. To be honest I sometimes long for the old days when I was the absolute bachelor, but on the flip-side, I love-love my new domesticated life. Ok, it is not so domesticated. I hit the night scene with my smoking hot wife often enough. We still manage to swing the dancefloor in dizzying circles, have a wild night and spends days recovering (weekdays inclusive).

Back in the days before I got all loved up, I was quite the businessman; I don’t like to use the word player, because I’d like to think what I did was actually serious business and not just games. I had two buddies with whom I would sit for hours and strategize, plotting how to go about executing our plans. Plans on “how to get the girl”. Some of our plots worked like clockwork, and some did not, but most importantly, we learnt.

What I would like to do here is share my wealth of experience and derived knowledge with fellow “businessmen”. There are a lot of single guys out there in the business, and sometimes they might goof at the whole affair of closing a deal, or as I like to say “doing the dance”.

The dance:

that elaborate and exquisitely beautiful process that goes on from the moment a guy sets his eyes on an object of his desire, all played out (as though in slow mo) to the sound of Pachelbel’s Canon in D. From the sighting, to the watch, 1st contact, the waltz, and from there on, whatever twist things take, the music swells, the steps tap to a faster tempo. Through it all one thing is certain, there is always a climax; it either implodes, explodes, rockets out to space, or sputters out like a burnt out fire cracker. Nothing remains the same after the dance.

Most guys I know do the dance for the Kandahar (\ˈkən-də-ˌhär\), the delicious cookie in the jar. They live and breathe it. For them the dance is all about getting into the cookie jar and nothing else. But in my opinion that gets old, gets messy, and on several occasions, you get some “takeaway” from it. I on the other hand, did the dance for the sport, the sheer thrill of the chase, the euphoria and the adrenaline pumping through my body, knowing and not knowing how things would play out, but knowing that when I win, my ownership is complete.

But this series is not about the Kandahar, or how to get Kandahar. If that is what you are looking out for here, I can't help you {plus, the thing about Kandahar is; it is easy, like everything in our generation is}. This is about reawakening the long forgotten art of courting a lady and engaging her in the dance. I would take you on a path that explores the very essence of the female mind and try to understand how to get inside it by very basic techniques that has worked for me time and again.

Enjoy,

The Bartender.

Letters to my Greatgrand-daughter: The Friend-zone cheat sheet

Dear Charly,

Two words. Friend zone.  

The most populous realm of the ‘Boy meets Girl’ universe. It turns out not only guys end up there. Girls get friend-zoned too. We are just more coy, secretive and less whiny about it. 

If you already are in the friend zone, I’m afraid it’s rather difficult to get out. You really might want to make yourself at home. However, if you aren't there just yet, this may be of use to you. 

First let me say, appreciate your education. The early, long hours and gruesome study nights don’t only prepare you for a lifetime vocation but provides tools for making better life decisions. Eventually you’ll see it’s really not that awful…………. actually it is. 

My point is, learn to believe in the power of education and its application to your mundane or in this case your romantic life. The solution to the friend zone might actually be found somewhere in an old, mouldy, scraggly textbook. 

Here’s my proposal for staying out of the friend zone. 

Positioning or product positioning

: One of the few terms that actually stuck in marketing class amidst the doodles and candy crush level hopping. Positioning according to Philip Kotler is the designing of a company’s offering and image to occupy a distinct place in the target market’s mind. 

Rephrasing for our own purposes, positioning is the art of being able to occupy that distinct place in the mind of a guy who you like and who you consider worthy of your person. Thankfully, men are not complex, it’s either he likes you…..likes you or he thinks you are “cool” or his “homie” or his “she-bro”. I have been called all these, Charly. I don’t know why I didn't think of this theory sooner! It surely could have helped the time I got friend-zoned. Best-friend-zoned actually (long story). The good news is it doesn't have to be that way.

The question to address is, how have you positioned yourself in his mind? You need to position yourself as the love interest. Not the best friend, not the neighbour, not the classmate; THE LOVE INTEREST. You need to be synonymous to girlfriend, the same way Louboutins are synonymous to luxury shoes.

This is not a call to change who you are or be inauthentic, no. Please by all means be yourself. In fact, according to two marketing experts, Ries and Trout, positioning is not what you do to a product. Positioning is what you do to the mind of the prospect. 

 It’s a delicate balance between the presentation of your self-image and his perception of it.

It's your opportunity to influence his image of you and you only get one shot at this. It must be realistic and sustainable. 

Be mysterious; difficult to understand, teasingly and excitingly cryptic. 

Don’t be available all the time. I'm sure you have other things to do than hang around him. If you don’t, find something. 

Note: Don’t play hard to get, that gets old. Scientific studies show playing hard-to-get achieves nothing, however, being hard-to-get promises a likelihood of you being regarded with esteem. Be unavailable. Let him look for you, if he doesn't, well, take a hint and move on.

Don’t be too casual around him. Your body language shouldn't be screaming FRIEND! No farting or burping. Keep it together. Your body language shouldn't whisper “easy” either. You want minimal contact and a chance to build some energy. 

Be feminine but not all feminine, just the right amount blended with charm and confidence.

Don’t do him too many favors, one or two occasionally is fine but not two-a-day.

Have the ability to have light, fun, interesting conversations but also deep, knowledgeable ones.

Have your own opinions and express them clearly. Don’t like all his comments and photos on social media. Exercise some restraint.

Keep it in mind, my love, that the reason you might be headed for the friend zone is because you aren't his type but you are interesting enough to have around. Be quick to identify his type. If it requires an extensive alteration of you are, maybe this really isn't the guy for you. In that case, Friend zone HIM and keep moving.

The right guy is out there and much closer than he was yesterday.

Love,

Greatgran x

Letters to my greatgrand daughter: Sexual Dividends

Dear Charly,

"Any man who truly loves you will wait for you." This was what my mum told me. We had heard that so many times and no one was listening (being in the new millennium and all, Woohoo Y2K! Ultra-throwback). It was year 2000 and all everyone wanted to do was have sex before the world ended.

Me, I was a mama's girl (rarer than the famed "mama's boy" ‎), I actually listen to my mother (sometimes). Of course, I pretend like I don't and give her a good argument, but I do listen. Anyway she had given me this bit of perspective when I was about to start dating. This consequently meant I didn't have to have sex if I didn't want to. It meant, I control the sexing in every relationship (not the guy) and if I didn't want to, no guy was going to pressure me and sulk his way into my awesomely lacy underwear. This was great! This truly was the key to dating, I could date as many men as possible and not be called a slut. I would find my ideal emotionally mature man, intellectually stimulating, crazy fun, people/ family lover, a bit of a foodie and adventurous. And *drumroll* I didn't have to invest any sex! It was genius (partly because I was icky about getting all body “fluid-y” with several men. One, was really all I needed).

This is not an instructional letter. Today, I’ll just tell you how it is and what I did. It’s completely up to you to decide.

First thing to know, Charly is this: SEX is an INVESTMENT.

Investment

‎ /ɪnˈvɛs(t)m(ə)nt /

noun.

An act of devoting ‎time, effort, or energy to a particular undertaking with the expectation of a worthwhile result: Oxford dictionary.

Sex requires devotion of time, effort and energy (if you are doing it right anyway); Shave, wax, lingerie (dolly, kinky, lacey, silky), kegels, sext, contraception (patch, pill, sponge, needle), condom (ribbed, not ribbed, latex, non- latex), Lube , imagination, spontaneity (car, shower, alley, basement), mental-winding on days you really don't want to. ‎All these, with the expectation that he will find me awesomely wonderful and eternally indispensable, that he would be unable to imagine his existence without me and pop the question one day! This was the "worthwhile" result.

What were the odds that this would occur? How many guys would I have to have sex with before I finally got one who would pop the question? Would sex guarantee me a proposal or at least something steady? I really had no idea and I am not one to take random risks. This is where forty hours of my risk analysis and management class kicks in. I wasn't ready to invest sex into any relationship that wouldn't yield superb, tangible and sustainable results. True, I had needs. You probably do too (as much as I’d like to believe you don’t, being my little Greatgrand daughter and all). This wasn't about needs. It was about whether at 35 years old, I’d still be creeping out of a random guy’s room at 4 AM doing the walk of shame, or even worse I’d wake up in mine and he’s gone.

I decided. No sex. True, we’d make out. Up-against-the-wall-furniture-shifting make-outs (I didn't tell you this). However, no sex. If he did love me, he’d have to wait in line while I analyzed the relationship and its potential for growth. So with my perfect man criteria in place (mentioned above), I created a timeline:

Month 1: Meet boy (no sex)

Month 2-5: Get to know boy (no sex) aka probation period

This was the most intense ‎time; the probation period. The main activity was research; his family, his Exes. Does boy have a drinking problem, cheating history, anger issues? Does boy need sex for this relationship? Is boy willing to wait till we are married? If he is, well, good for him, he could channel his sexual energy into hunting or some other activity. This was usually always the most sexually tense period. It wasn’t easy but you know what else isn’t easy? Getting over a breakup with a guy you were sleeping with. I had to be focused.

Month 6: Dating (No sex)

Probation extension. I have standards. Do not fall short, boy.

Month 7/8: (No sex)

At this point, the relationship is probably strained from too many fights and no sex. Muhahaha. Boy begins to come undone. Boy and I. On the brink of bliss or disaster.

Month 9: (No sex)

Tsktsk. Boy has cheated. Boy is acting up. Flirting with anyone and everyone. Boy thinks I'm oblivious.

Month 10

Goodbye, boy. On to the next.

Ten months. Difficult but effective. Heads up, just in case you try to do this, this won’t work if you are idle. Be busy at school, work, community projects, church. Do not trust will-power. My will has its strengths but resisting physical intimacy isn't one of them. I had to aid my will by selecting men appropriately and by self-branding (Dating and Business school really are connected!). He had to understand what I was about and know for certain that the sex thing was not off and on the table. It was off, far off.

I'm no super- woman here, I invented it because it makes sense and I had to protect myself……. from myself. I am my own greatest specialist in joy- sabotage.

Another reason I listened to mama was the fear of ending up with the wrong man, who I couldn't let go of because I felt attached to him. That would be selling myself short! I had seen it too many times. My train of thought usually was: If I meet him, have sex with him, then discover he's no good but I can't leave him because sex and its hormones make me feel bonded to him, tied to him, then I’d be in a pickle. An avoidable pickle (those are the worst pickles). Oxytocin, vasopressin and endorphins; the hormones of deception. They collectively make you feel attached to the guy, like there’s something monogamous about what you just did, helps you feel secure, soothes you and binds you. I guess in retrospect, the only reason older people tell you not to have sex is because of the effect of those darn hormones and the false sense of security they bring.

So Charly, if you have never had sex before and you plan to wait till you are married, make sure you have a good reason for doing so (told you all of mine). If you started already, humour me and try the ten month trial period on a guy. Let’s see if he makes it to month five.

Love,

Greatgran x

Letters to my Greatgrand daughter: Love right

Dear Charly,

I dated a few. Some good and some bad, some you’d cringe. Your great grandpa is a real man and that’s what you need to keep your eyes peeled back for. How did I find him? O wow, he was seriously buried in a haystack! He walked out of the haystack and came to me, that’s how I found him. He was looking for something. Your man needs to be looking for you, and when I mean you, I mean you; not your vagina. Sometimes, they aren't looking at all and they “stumble on you”. If he uses that expression when describing how he met you, he still has a lot of learning to catch up on.

First let’s state the obvious. If he is violent and he is hitting you, I should come down and hit you over the head myself. End it.

If he’s cheating and you are still dating, you can’t change him. God can but you can’t.There is nothing there for you.Move on swiftly. 

If he is having a rough time getting on his feet. Observe. Don’t be eager to give money all the time. Watch if he wants to actually make something out of himself. If he doesn't, please fade away. If he really just needs a break, support him, encourage him, be there.

If you don’t know what he does for a living and he buys you gifts, please find out what he does. If he hides his profession, he is either a secret agent or a future prisoner. Make your decision, wisely. Nothing abrupt, but swiftly and skilfully.

Don’t be enthralled by a wealthy man. His clothes, his car, his perfume (beware of that), his grooming. Stop gaping at what your friend’s boyfriend bought her. Make your own money and tell your friend to also. Don't wait around to be sponsored. When you are out on a date, be able to pay. I had the worst experience once; the guy couldn't pay and neither could I! I reiterate, Charly; have the ability to pay the bill.

Do not be sentimental about choosing a man. Keep your eyes open. Keep your thighs shut and your brain working. If you must, kiss him, but be a damn good kisser. Your ancestors were good kissers. In fact, I am known for eight hour kissing marathons *wink*. Don’t kiss and tell. Kiss and let them tell...of your prowess. Keep your brain working when you kiss, be aware of where his hands are every second (guy hands; the only thing faster than light).

Make dating fun. It’s like traveling. You explore new people. Inevitably, you learn from them, if not from the guys, from the experience. Make it a rich experience by dating interesting men. By interesting I don’t mean odd. He should make you laugh. He should intrigue you. He should entertain you. He must respect you. He must have substance and depth. He must read and be curious. Make sure you intrigue his soul. Make sure you enchant him. Be witty, be mysterious.

Every relationship changes you, but make sure it’s for the wiser. Learn to deal with heart breaks, don’t sink into a tub of ice-cream. I promise you, you will run into your ex at the most random place, sporting new love handles and some pounds here and there to show. Please don’t drown in a bottle either, you will end up calling him or showing up at his door one night. Drunkenness is not attractive and it won’t end well. I've tried it. Get a new hobby, get a pet, get a new lamp, heck, a plant to talk to. Don’t be tempted to grovel, calcify that spine!!!

Finally, please my dear, do not get chained down in a relationship in which you are not the object of mesmerization. If he is not intrigued every minute of every day he's around you, please send him on his way. You were designed to be adored. Look at yourself and repeat it to yourself in the mirror. Write it on that mirror , on 12 sticky-notes and paste in your car (or hovercraft) , your desk, your fridge. Write it in lipstick, pen and pencil.  Slap 'em here. Slap 'em there. Once again say it to yourself.

'I was designed to be adored.'

I love you deeply.

Great gran x

Letters to my greatgrand-daughter

My dear Greatgrand-daughter,

I hope you have developed a taste for do’s and don’ts. I advise you develop it fast as I have a lot of letters coming your way. I can imagine you want to “live your life” as some say. I couldn't agree more, my love. Live it wisely though. Your Greatgrand-father and I are about to start having children. We have both prayed not to have a girl. To raise a girl, you have to teach her to be wise and cunning, which is so much trouble. However, I know we will.

First, I hope you are a reader and not merely a watcher of entertainment. Turn off the TV shows for a bit and buy a book, read and imagine. Try writing as well, create. I also hope they aren’t remaking new marvel action movies for the umpteenth time. I also hope James Bond is at least 6 feet tall again.

Please remember, you cannot get good results by making poor decisions. Learn to make good decisions. It’s very simple too. Any action which answers “Yes” to the question “Will it hurt in the morning?” or “Will it hurt someone else?” is probably a bad decision. For example, “Should I do these shots?”

Drink but don’t get drunk. It clouds your judgment and it's overrated.

Many people get drunk to “wind down”, “be more fun”, “relax”, “to justify their cursing”, “to be better company”, “to forget the pain”.  If you want to curse, do it sober. If you want to relax, do it sober. If you want to wind down, have a glass of red.If you get drunk to erase the pain, it will be waiting beside your bed (or the road side, just in case you didn't make it to bed). Trust me, I tried.

Please do not always feel the need to be in the company of others. Love yourself and your own company. But also do not be a loner. Learn to be good company. To be better company you have to read, read far and wide, about things you love, things you hate and things you are indifferent about. Read about planes, automobiles, fashion, politics, the NEWS, history, the solar system, food, travel, culture, craft, animals, sports, trade, know the map. Do not underestimate the power of a good conversation. That’s how to be good company. If you are the life of the party who screams 'Let’s get wasted',all the time, you will be great company too, but only on the weekends.

Respectfully shut up anyone who refers to you as “not fun”. You are fun. If someone thinks you aren't, then please understand that the person has not developed that side of himself/herself that appreciates your preferences. Do not apologize for your preferences and please do not try adopt theirs either. This doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy what they do but do not do it because they belittled your interests and dismissed them as “boring”.

If you need to justify your cursing then obviously you have no air of audacity. Develop that, but make sure you aren't arrogant. Everyone hates an arrogant person. Cursing. You must become a woman who doesn't need to curse to emphasize her emotions or curse to be taken seriously. Make sure when you speak you are listened to and make sure you don’t speak too often. It’s more rewarding to listen and think. People do not think anymore, Charly (I hope this is your name). People would rather stare at their phones these days and ignore other people physically in their presence. I hope you appreciate your relationships, both family and friends. Love those you see every day, look for lost contacts and build bridges, your greatgrand-pa taught me that (he is so sexy, by the way).

Make sure you think and reason. Do not follow the crowd. Think about politics, about institutions, about children, about death, about God, about life, about your immediate environment and how you can add to these. Be proactive in your mind and in your dealings. Don’t be mindless and allow the world to throw stuff at you. Throw stuff at the world, make it play catch. You are the boss, my dear. Don’t be unprepared for life’s curve balls, some of them do curve wrong. Be strong, cry if you must but move on and devise.

Most importantly, Charly, people look very silly drunk. So make sure you laugh at them.

X Great gran.