Letters to my Greatgrand-daughter : The Cheatee
Dear Charly,
If you have been cheated on, you need to cry. That's step one. Cry it all out, unabashed and without control......privately, NOT in front of him.
You might want to throw in a few "heartbreak" songs but only the ones that promise you will survive and what not.
The next thing to do is to burn his clothes!!!! I'm kidding. (Hollywood dictates that you burn his clothes....who comes up with this stuff, anyway?) Don't do that. Mainly because it's too much trouble and because you have better things to do. Not to mention that punishment only actually strikes a note if his clothes are really important to him and cost a fortune. If he shops at Kiton or Brioni (6000 to 50,000 USD per suit), it would make sense but then again he's very likely to replace it without flinching. It goes without saying that you should end the relationship with this boyfriend.
Do not call the girl he's seeing. I repeat do not call or even worse,
visit
the girl he is seeing. It would either result in a cat fight which is just distasteful. Or she could give you the "if you can't keep your man......." line. Alternatively, you could both bond, then dance to Beyonce and Shakira's "Beautiful liar" and go home. You would agree that none of this is time spent wisely neither does it provide closure.
Closure is most elusive after being cheated on. Ideally, an apology should fix it but that hardly comes along and if it does it's usually not sincere. So how do you get closure?
The most popular way is to "rebound". To get a new boyfriend or to have a fling. Unfortunately, this isn't closure, it's just a distraction; an attempt to feel wanted and significant. It's usually not well thought out and is almost always at the expense of the emotions of the new guy.
What you want is suppor, from friends and family and yourself.
Pull yourself together. Dress up and go out. Even if you are indoors. Perfume too.
Try not to hate... it just gives you wrinkles. Skip that phase. Skip the name-calling too. Try writing out how you feel, all the venom and anger on a sheet or a screen. Write it all out. When you read it five years later, you'd roll your eyes at how overdramatic you sounded. I read mine recently. I had to shred it immediately. My French could not be excused.
Wipe out every trace of him; gifts especially. No bonfire necessary. Donate to a charity.
So he's physically gone. He needs to be mentally absent too. You need a hobby. I know I say this in every letter. You do need a hobby; a productive, time-consuming one, that engages your creative mind. Make something, design something. Try a new sport.
Hopefully, you never get cheated on and don't need this letter. However, if you do, don't let this experience leave you wary of men. If it happens with more than one guy, don't become jaded and paranoid. Not all men cheat. It's the truth.
So remember; cry, ignore him and the girlie, get support, write it all out, get a hobby and stay wrinkle-free.
If he comes back and begs, you know what to do.
Love,
Greatgran x
Ps: don't even think about taking him back.
Disclaimer: Charly is not married and so she's free to cut her losses.
Letters to my greatgrand daughter: Sexual Dividends
Dear Charly,
"Any man who truly loves you will wait for you." This was what my mum told me. We had heard that so many times and no one was listening (being in the new millennium and all, Woohoo Y2K! Ultra-throwback). It was year 2000 and all everyone wanted to do was have sex before the world ended.
Me, I was a mama's girl (rarer than the famed "mama's boy" ), I actually listen to my mother (sometimes). Of course, I pretend like I don't and give her a good argument, but I do listen. Anyway she had given me this bit of perspective when I was about to start dating. This consequently meant I didn't have to have sex if I didn't want to. It meant, I control the sexing in every relationship (not the guy) and if I didn't want to, no guy was going to pressure me and sulk his way into my awesomely lacy underwear. This was great! This truly was the key to dating, I could date as many men as possible and not be called a slut. I would find my ideal emotionally mature man, intellectually stimulating, crazy fun, people/ family lover, a bit of a foodie and adventurous. And *drumroll* I didn't have to invest any sex! It was genius (partly because I was icky about getting all body “fluid-y” with several men. One, was really all I needed).
This is not an instructional letter. Today, I’ll just tell you how it is and what I did. It’s completely up to you to decide.
First thing to know, Charly is this: SEX is an INVESTMENT.
Investment
/ɪnˈvɛs(t)m(ə)nt /
noun.
An act of devoting time, effort, or energy to a particular undertaking with the expectation of a worthwhile result: Oxford dictionary.
Sex requires devotion of time, effort and energy (if you are doing it right anyway); Shave, wax, lingerie (dolly, kinky, lacey, silky), kegels, sext, contraception (patch, pill, sponge, needle), condom (ribbed, not ribbed, latex, non- latex), Lube , imagination, spontaneity (car, shower, alley, basement), mental-winding on days you really don't want to. All these, with the expectation that he will find me awesomely wonderful and eternally indispensable, that he would be unable to imagine his existence without me and pop the question one day! This was the "worthwhile" result.
What were the odds that this would occur? How many guys would I have to have sex with before I finally got one who would pop the question? Would sex guarantee me a proposal or at least something steady? I really had no idea and I am not one to take random risks. This is where forty hours of my risk analysis and management class kicks in. I wasn't ready to invest sex into any relationship that wouldn't yield superb, tangible and sustainable results. True, I had needs. You probably do too (as much as I’d like to believe you don’t, being my little Greatgrand daughter and all). This wasn't about needs. It was about whether at 35 years old, I’d still be creeping out of a random guy’s room at 4 AM doing the walk of shame, or even worse I’d wake up in mine and he’s gone.
I decided. No sex. True, we’d make out. Up-against-the-wall-furniture-shifting make-outs (I didn't tell you this). However, no sex. If he did love me, he’d have to wait in line while I analyzed the relationship and its potential for growth. So with my perfect man criteria in place (mentioned above), I created a timeline:
Month 1: Meet boy (no sex)
Month 2-5: Get to know boy (no sex) aka probation period
This was the most intense time; the probation period. The main activity was research; his family, his Exes. Does boy have a drinking problem, cheating history, anger issues? Does boy need sex for this relationship? Is boy willing to wait till we are married? If he is, well, good for him, he could channel his sexual energy into hunting or some other activity. This was usually always the most sexually tense period. It wasn’t easy but you know what else isn’t easy? Getting over a breakup with a guy you were sleeping with. I had to be focused.
Month 6: Dating (No sex)
Probation extension. I have standards. Do not fall short, boy.
Month 7/8: (No sex)
At this point, the relationship is probably strained from too many fights and no sex. Muhahaha. Boy begins to come undone. Boy and I. On the brink of bliss or disaster.
Month 9: (No sex)
Tsktsk. Boy has cheated. Boy is acting up. Flirting with anyone and everyone. Boy thinks I'm oblivious.
Month 10
Goodbye, boy. On to the next.
Ten months. Difficult but effective. Heads up, just in case you try to do this, this won’t work if you are idle. Be busy at school, work, community projects, church. Do not trust will-power. My will has its strengths but resisting physical intimacy isn't one of them. I had to aid my will by selecting men appropriately and by self-branding (Dating and Business school really are connected!). He had to understand what I was about and know for certain that the sex thing was not off and on the table. It was off, far off.
I'm no super- woman here, I invented it because it makes sense and I had to protect myself……. from myself. I am my own greatest specialist in joy- sabotage.
Another reason I listened to mama was the fear of ending up with the wrong man, who I couldn't let go of because I felt attached to him. That would be selling myself short! I had seen it too many times. My train of thought usually was: If I meet him, have sex with him, then discover he's no good but I can't leave him because sex and its hormones make me feel bonded to him, tied to him, then I’d be in a pickle. An avoidable pickle (those are the worst pickles). Oxytocin, vasopressin and endorphins; the hormones of deception. They collectively make you feel attached to the guy, like there’s something monogamous about what you just did, helps you feel secure, soothes you and binds you. I guess in retrospect, the only reason older people tell you not to have sex is because of the effect of those darn hormones and the false sense of security they bring.
So Charly, if you have never had sex before and you plan to wait till you are married, make sure you have a good reason for doing so (told you all of mine). If you started already, humour me and try the ten month trial period on a guy. Let’s see if he makes it to month five.
Love,
Greatgran x
Letters to my Greatgrand daughter: Love right
Dear Charly,
I dated a few. Some good and some bad, some you’d cringe. Your great grandpa is a real man and that’s what you need to keep your eyes peeled back for. How did I find him? O wow, he was seriously buried in a haystack! He walked out of the haystack and came to me, that’s how I found him. He was looking for something. Your man needs to be looking for you, and when I mean you, I mean you; not your vagina. Sometimes, they aren't looking at all and they “stumble on you”. If he uses that expression when describing how he met you, he still has a lot of learning to catch up on.
First let’s state the obvious. If he is violent and he is hitting you, I should come down and hit you over the head myself. End it.
If he’s cheating and you are still dating, you can’t change him. God can but you can’t.There is nothing there for you.Move on swiftly.
If he is having a rough time getting on his feet. Observe. Don’t be eager to give money all the time. Watch if he wants to actually make something out of himself. If he doesn't, please fade away. If he really just needs a break, support him, encourage him, be there.
If you don’t know what he does for a living and he buys you gifts, please find out what he does. If he hides his profession, he is either a secret agent or a future prisoner. Make your decision, wisely. Nothing abrupt, but swiftly and skilfully.
Don’t be enthralled by a wealthy man. His clothes, his car, his perfume (beware of that), his grooming. Stop gaping at what your friend’s boyfriend bought her. Make your own money and tell your friend to also. Don't wait around to be sponsored. When you are out on a date, be able to pay. I had the worst experience once; the guy couldn't pay and neither could I! I reiterate, Charly; have the ability to pay the bill.
Do not be sentimental about choosing a man. Keep your eyes open. Keep your thighs shut and your brain working. If you must, kiss him, but be a damn good kisser. Your ancestors were good kissers. In fact, I am known for eight hour kissing marathons *wink*. Don’t kiss and tell. Kiss and let them tell...of your prowess. Keep your brain working when you kiss, be aware of where his hands are every second (guy hands; the only thing faster than light).
Make dating fun. It’s like traveling. You explore new people. Inevitably, you learn from them, if not from the guys, from the experience. Make it a rich experience by dating interesting men. By interesting I don’t mean odd. He should make you laugh. He should intrigue you. He should entertain you. He must respect you. He must have substance and depth. He must read and be curious. Make sure you intrigue his soul. Make sure you enchant him. Be witty, be mysterious.
Every relationship changes you, but make sure it’s for the wiser. Learn to deal with heart breaks, don’t sink into a tub of ice-cream. I promise you, you will run into your ex at the most random place, sporting new love handles and some pounds here and there to show. Please don’t drown in a bottle either, you will end up calling him or showing up at his door one night. Drunkenness is not attractive and it won’t end well. I've tried it. Get a new hobby, get a pet, get a new lamp, heck, a plant to talk to. Don’t be tempted to grovel, calcify that spine!!!
Finally, please my dear, do not get chained down in a relationship in which you are not the object of mesmerization. If he is not intrigued every minute of every day he's around you, please send him on his way. You were designed to be adored. Look at yourself and repeat it to yourself in the mirror. Write it on that mirror , on 12 sticky-notes and paste in your car (or hovercraft) , your desk, your fridge. Write it in lipstick, pen and pencil. Slap 'em here. Slap 'em there. Once again say it to yourself.
'I was designed to be adored.'
I love you deeply.
Great gran x