The bartender series: The Rouse of the Dance

I have hung up my proverbial “boot”.

And I say this emphatically as some folks are still in doubt. To be honest I sometimes long for the old days when I was the absolute bachelor, but on the flip-side, I love-love my new domesticated life. Ok, it is not so domesticated. I hit the night scene with my smoking hot wife often enough. We still manage to swing the dancefloor in dizzying circles, have a wild night and spends days recovering (weekdays inclusive).

Back in the days before I got all loved up, I was quite the businessman; I don’t like to use the word player, because I’d like to think what I did was actually serious business and not just games. I had two buddies with whom I would sit for hours and strategize, plotting how to go about executing our plans. Plans on “how to get the girl”. Some of our plots worked like clockwork, and some did not, but most importantly, we learnt.

What I would like to do here is share my wealth of experience and derived knowledge with fellow “businessmen”. There are a lot of single guys out there in the business, and sometimes they might goof at the whole affair of closing a deal, or as I like to say “doing the dance”.

The dance:

that elaborate and exquisitely beautiful process that goes on from the moment a guy sets his eyes on an object of his desire, all played out (as though in slow mo) to the sound of Pachelbel’s Canon in D. From the sighting, to the watch, 1st contact, the waltz, and from there on, whatever twist things take, the music swells, the steps tap to a faster tempo. Through it all one thing is certain, there is always a climax; it either implodes, explodes, rockets out to space, or sputters out like a burnt out fire cracker. Nothing remains the same after the dance.

Most guys I know do the dance for the Kandahar (\ˈkən-də-ˌhär\), the delicious cookie in the jar. They live and breathe it. For them the dance is all about getting into the cookie jar and nothing else. But in my opinion that gets old, gets messy, and on several occasions, you get some “takeaway” from it. I on the other hand, did the dance for the sport, the sheer thrill of the chase, the euphoria and the adrenaline pumping through my body, knowing and not knowing how things would play out, but knowing that when I win, my ownership is complete.

But this series is not about the Kandahar, or how to get Kandahar. If that is what you are looking out for here, I can't help you {plus, the thing about Kandahar is; it is easy, like everything in our generation is}. This is about reawakening the long forgotten art of courting a lady and engaging her in the dance. I would take you on a path that explores the very essence of the female mind and try to understand how to get inside it by very basic techniques that has worked for me time and again.

Enjoy,

The Bartender.

Letters to my Greatgrand-daughter: The Friend-zone cheat sheet

Dear Charly,

Two words. Friend zone.  

The most populous realm of the ‘Boy meets Girl’ universe. It turns out not only guys end up there. Girls get friend-zoned too. We are just more coy, secretive and less whiny about it. 

If you already are in the friend zone, I’m afraid it’s rather difficult to get out. You really might want to make yourself at home. However, if you aren't there just yet, this may be of use to you. 

First let me say, appreciate your education. The early, long hours and gruesome study nights don’t only prepare you for a lifetime vocation but provides tools for making better life decisions. Eventually you’ll see it’s really not that awful…………. actually it is. 

My point is, learn to believe in the power of education and its application to your mundane or in this case your romantic life. The solution to the friend zone might actually be found somewhere in an old, mouldy, scraggly textbook. 

Here’s my proposal for staying out of the friend zone. 

Positioning or product positioning

: One of the few terms that actually stuck in marketing class amidst the doodles and candy crush level hopping. Positioning according to Philip Kotler is the designing of a company’s offering and image to occupy a distinct place in the target market’s mind. 

Rephrasing for our own purposes, positioning is the art of being able to occupy that distinct place in the mind of a guy who you like and who you consider worthy of your person. Thankfully, men are not complex, it’s either he likes you…..likes you or he thinks you are “cool” or his “homie” or his “she-bro”. I have been called all these, Charly. I don’t know why I didn't think of this theory sooner! It surely could have helped the time I got friend-zoned. Best-friend-zoned actually (long story). The good news is it doesn't have to be that way.

The question to address is, how have you positioned yourself in his mind? You need to position yourself as the love interest. Not the best friend, not the neighbour, not the classmate; THE LOVE INTEREST. You need to be synonymous to girlfriend, the same way Louboutins are synonymous to luxury shoes.

This is not a call to change who you are or be inauthentic, no. Please by all means be yourself. In fact, according to two marketing experts, Ries and Trout, positioning is not what you do to a product. Positioning is what you do to the mind of the prospect. 

 It’s a delicate balance between the presentation of your self-image and his perception of it.

It's your opportunity to influence his image of you and you only get one shot at this. It must be realistic and sustainable. 

Be mysterious; difficult to understand, teasingly and excitingly cryptic. 

Don’t be available all the time. I'm sure you have other things to do than hang around him. If you don’t, find something. 

Note: Don’t play hard to get, that gets old. Scientific studies show playing hard-to-get achieves nothing, however, being hard-to-get promises a likelihood of you being regarded with esteem. Be unavailable. Let him look for you, if he doesn't, well, take a hint and move on.

Don’t be too casual around him. Your body language shouldn't be screaming FRIEND! No farting or burping. Keep it together. Your body language shouldn't whisper “easy” either. You want minimal contact and a chance to build some energy. 

Be feminine but not all feminine, just the right amount blended with charm and confidence.

Don’t do him too many favors, one or two occasionally is fine but not two-a-day.

Have the ability to have light, fun, interesting conversations but also deep, knowledgeable ones.

Have your own opinions and express them clearly. Don’t like all his comments and photos on social media. Exercise some restraint.

Keep it in mind, my love, that the reason you might be headed for the friend zone is because you aren't his type but you are interesting enough to have around. Be quick to identify his type. If it requires an extensive alteration of you are, maybe this really isn't the guy for you. In that case, Friend zone HIM and keep moving.

The right guy is out there and much closer than he was yesterday.

Love,

Greatgran x