Daddy Issues
I once witnessed a new dad, pick up his new baby-boy and stare at him in the most unusual way. He didn’t smile or coo at his baby. He didn’t try to put his forefinger in baby’s vice-clenched fist. He just stared at him, expressionless. It wasn’t a stolen moment between father and progeny. It was an unrestricted instant of unguarded fellowship, to which I was a welcome intruder, nothing was exclusive, it wasn’t a bonding moment; nothing was intimate.  |
| Get over it and be like this guy! I'm kidding. But seriously though, this guy. |
Long Distance Relationships: That Sweet Safe Spot
About 10 minutes into your long distance relationship (LDR), you’d quickly come to realize that your new location seems to be inundated with exceptionally attractive members of the opposite sex! There's one next door, one standing next to you on the bus, one at work, church too, one in class, one at the store, one at someone's 70th birthday celebration (they are everywhere, especially the most unexpected, dull places). Some of these people you probably wouldn’t notice if your significant other (sig-other for short) was near. Well, sig-other is not near and you do notice.
This sudden awareness of other people, might be just a heightened sensitivity to the void left by sig-other. In other words, you are lonely and probably a little needy……physically, which is totally expected.
However, let's just put it out there, you are expected to remain within the bounds of honesty, which is required by your relationship and also to remain within the bounds of your clothing, if you know what i mean. It's easy to say and much less easy to achieve.
So imagine, you are at your friend's aunt's 70th birthday party (beware of those "harmless" parties). You were willing to go because, well, you had absolutely nothing else to do or because you are miserable about your new LDR status and this couldn't be any worse. Anyway, whatever your reason, there you are at this elderly gathering and then you see this really good-looking girl (who we can call I.D). You notice I.D and move on. After the party, your friend tells you he gave I.D your number because she asked for it.
You panic a little, being the careful boyfriend that you are. And then you self-pacify and tell yourself I.D won't call. Surprise!
I.D calls. It's friendly and casual. You tell her you will keep in touch but you tell yourself you won't. You also conveniently forget to tell her you have girlfriend because it's "too much information" for a first "friendly" conversation. You
do
keep in touch with I.D (if you haven't figured it out yet, I.D is short for Inevitable Disaster).
Something tells you you should tell your sig-other but you consider this trivial. Nothing dramatic ever comes out of casual acquaintanceship. An LDR is not prison, you are allowed to have friends, friends like I.D, you tell yourself.
In our LDR, we did have a sizable number of I.Ds. Aware that we were both human and admitting that promptly, we faced reality squarely. No one is immuned to slip ups, least of all LDRers. Also let me say this now, there will be attractions, like i said, heightened sensitivity to the void and all, and also because you are human and you don't live in a cave as a hermit. I tried living as a hermit once to avoid attractions but that didn't work out. These things have a way of finding you even in hiding. Lol!
So how did we deal with crushes and attractions in a long distance relationship? One word.
Transparency;
the quality of being transparent.
Transparent
/transˈperənt/
adjective
Having thoughts , feelings or motives that are easily perceived.
Being easily perceived is a little difficult in an LDR, so being transparent needs a little bit of effort here. It's more active than passive and it requires a certain amount of vulnerability and honesty.
So here's the fun part.
What we did was to be honest about developing attractions and crushes, if there were any at all. And there might have been one or two.
“Are you crazy?” I hear you saying, “Why would I tell sig-other that I am attracted to someone else? That's LDR suicide.”
And
you are right! It is suicide if not managed properly. Which brings me to constructive transparency. It's not just ok to be transparent but rather
to be
constructively transparent.
This would mean being verbally honest with your motives and actions with your sig-other, with the intent of ensuring your relationship is successful both on the long run and short run. Of course, this includes being open to each other about I.Ds and undercover I.Ds (the ones who pose as your friends) and any other new happenings that might impact the relationship adversely or otherwise. Doing this creates a safe spot in your relationship that fosters honesty and pinches off budding insecurities.
As you eat your take-away cake from the 70th birthday celebration, you contemplate telling sig-other about I.D. There is 60% chance this would end in a fight, but isn't it worth it on the long run?
What would you do? Would you tell sig-other?
Please drop your comments below!
P.s : This is a safe spot! Say it as it is. x
Disclaimer: not every relationship is nuts enough to do this but every relationship should ensure the purest form of honesty it has the ability to attain.
Out with the aged skivvies!
My friend recently got married, moved into an amazing apartment- wooden floors, with an incredible stream of natural light and a light cinnamon fragrance in the air.
Beyond the perfection and the chirping birds, beyond the pine wood floors and the dessert-tinged ambiance of her home, carefully tucked away, deep in her luggage was her beat-up "panties of condemnation." You know, the "drawers of doom", "the deformed briefs beyond reform",
you know those 5-year old COMFORTABLE, threadbare, tired pair of cotton briefs with amazing coverage but a less flattering view. There it was... stashed in her luggage.
So she sneaks this panties into her new home and is in stark denial about its state. Trust me, it's a wreck. Lol. She doesn't wear it too often, being a new bride and all. But on those days when she couldn't be bothered, she throws 'em on.
Her husband, of course, would want nothing more than to see it burn. He tried several times to "make them go away" but she'd always notice, as you would if someone tried to take away your fav underwear.
The plot thickens. She then discovers her husband has a pair of boxers just as ancient. Faded and stressed are the best ways to define them. She adds to her denial, justification; he had one, she had one, end of story.
Eventually, they both realize how much they can't stand each other's contraband. The couple agree to let go and have a toss-out day when they throw out their ancient loin cloths. Miserable and in denial, they are still yet to set a date for the toss-out.
To encourage "Toss-out day", my suggestion was for them to go underwear shopping!
Shopping is always a good idea, though she still looked longingly at her dear underwear. I encouraged her saying, at least she would have brand new ones which she would start to enjoy once they were broken-in and get holes. Her husband also gets to enjoy the new underwear benefits. He also gets to go underwear shopping which for men is uneventful and probably involves the sofa, a PC and Amazon. For us girls, a little more preparation is required. I recently went on a toss-out shopping trip myself. Here's a couple of stuff to keep in mind while planning the trip:
First, start your work-out routine like two months before (if you aren't a regular). Works your abs, arms, some lunges and squats too. It's only right that you are pleased with yourself in the dressing room mirror.
Second, that wax we talked about.
Third, ask the attendant for help. Some of them really know what they are talking about.
Get a mix of styles; some comfy boy-shorts, frilly stuff (not to be worn under body-con dresses), some lace Brazilian cuts, some no VPL briefs (no visible pant lines) to prevent pant lines, some thongs (if those works for you), some groin-strings...... also known as g-strings. Lol. Groin-strings (who knew that was the full name?! Not so sexy anymore, aye?)
Get a few matching sets; different colors. Polka dots. Print. Stripe. Leather (if that's your thing).
Lastly, ensure the crotch area is cotton as recommended by physicians. Hopefully, "out with the old skivvies, in with the new underthings" works for my friend.
Have you been successful in getting rid of your adored intimates? Give my friend a tip below...
Weird facts about underwear....
1. In the Edwardian/Victorian age, women wore crotchless underwear. It was considered improper to wear anything that covered the crotch. (This really took Downton Abbey to another level for me. I'll never be able to look at Granny Grantham the same)
2. It's hygienic to have a cotton crotch on your panties (whether you are into silk or leather, make sure it has a cotton crotch lining....unseen stuff go on down there)
3. The average underwear lifespan for a woman is 7 years; a man, 8 years
4. Your underwear determines your mood which brings us to #5
5. Women who wear g-strings are apparently more confident
"Groin-strings."
Have a great weekend! x
Ten things (plus one) you didn't know About Men!!!!
A couple of weeks back, I wrote a post about ten things (plus one) to know about girls with different body types (read here). Who knew skinny girls were less fussy about size. Hehe.
Today, it's the guys' turn! Men, these are just pure scientific fun findings, let those guards down. You may even love science just a little bit more after this. Girls, prepare to be shocked by #1(if you didn't already know) and #3. Everyone should read this list........you know, just in case you get dumped because of #9 or #3 is your reality.Here goes......
1.Men with big bellies last longer!
Girls, Yes indeed. Think about all the men you turned down because they bore no resemblance to Idris Elba or Adam Levine or the Hemsworth brothers. Haha. The bellies scorn thee.
Men with big bellies have a higher level of a hormone known as estradiol, which helps them last longer than their ripped compadres.
2.Short men (shorter than 5"7) tend to have stable marriages
Way to go, Short men!!! They also have a lower chance of getting cancer. However, they tend to do less house chores. Tut-tut-tut, short men, just when you were becoming our favorite.
3. The average age of his boxers is eight years!
Lol! Eight years. That's like two presidential terms!!! Men, if you have underwear from the time Blair, Bush, Chirac, Obasanjo were in power....do the needful.
4. Men who prefer big bums tend to be business majors
....And so it's no longer a mystery what those business-major guys are doodling on their notes during Accounting class. Men who like big bums (and they can not lie) are also seen to be organized and tidy. They are dependent in their relationships.....
5. .....While men who prefer smaller bums are great project executioners
This men see their projects through. Good job, men who prefer smaller bums! They do not to seek public approval and are less fanatical about sports.
6. Men with mustaches are more likely to be hired
Studies show that men with mustaches tend to be more reliable. Employers therefore, hire them 8.2% more than their beardy mates and 4.3% more than their clean shaven pals.
Tell that to Frank Donga.
7. Men with beards are perceived to be the epitome of masculinity.
Little wonder that men who struggled with growing a beard since the beginning of the NO SHAVE November rave, have opted for beard transplants!
I didn't even know that was a thing.
Bearded men are associated with power, leadership, maturity and women see them as better providers. In fact, a study shows that women tend to associate beards with the ability to provide for them during pregnancy [Women sure think light years ahead].
8. How to get the girl? Wear a pink shirt!
Men who are comfortable wearing pink happen to be better educated, make more money and get the girls' attention! Who knew? So to really get the girl, grow a huge beard, grow a belly and wear a pink shirt. And throw out old underwear. Please.
9. Poor men like bigger breasts
Studies suggest they may be trying to compensate for any "resource insecurity" they might have. I think I'll let the scientists have the final words here. Oh, yeah they also love sports.
10. Men who wear briefs might be stuck in their childhood
Briefs. Superheroes. Superman. Ninja Turtles. Don't. Why? Tight. Heat. Daddy-pants. Wear boxer briefs instead. It's close enough. 11. Men who prefer small breasts tend to be Engineers!
This study showed that men who preferred smaller frontal lady-lumps were nuturant in their relationships and indefinite about their careers paths.
They also happen to be mainly engineers.
Gotta love Science......
Share with someone who you are certain would laugh first and then protest to these findings an hour later.
Have a great weekend! x
Sources
http://www.inquisitr.com/1865600/scientific-study-characteristics-of-men-breasts-butts/http://thoughtcatalog.com/amanda-chatel/2015/04/sorry-guys-studies-show-beards-may-be-going-out-of-style/
http://www.webmd.com
http://www.menshealth.com
http://www.salon.com/2010/09/08/turkish_sex_study_bmi_male_performance_open2010/
http://www.salon.com/2013/08/17/9_weird_facts_about_breasts/
http://www.thegloss.com
The Best of Old Wives' Tales for New wives
For ages, people have come up with deeply erroneous marriage advice, that if you ask me, might just be one of the reasons for the high divorce rates out there.
This is a list of rules that have gone round for so long and no one has called them out. Well, this is why I am here. To call stuff out! If this is what marriage is, well no wonder people are so unhappy. I tried a couple of them while I was dating.....extremely poor results, I tell you. It's like the wrong twin of the "pre-nuptial hunt" post (read here).
As you read this list, remember to read it out loud in the theatrical way you know it would be said, complete with your hands on your waist. O, yeah and grunt occasionally.
Here goes!
Have a wonderful weekend!
But the main question is this.................... "Is he a goat?"
#2 If you inspect and scrutinize his messages, emails and bank statements you will catch the slightest whiff of infidelity
This will eventually result in you in the hospital with a ventilator. And a defibrillator for good measure.
#3 If you keep him out of the kitchen, he will be more of a man
#6 Be wary of his family, otherwise, they will turn him against you and you won't even know (lol!)First, of all who is "they"?
Second, who cares what they think?
Third, I see you wearing these recommendations...how are those working out for you?
#9 If he doesn't make you happy, just take care of your children, when they are older, focus on the grandchildren
This could easily be rephrased as "Wait for him to die".Do you know any old wives tales?! Drop them below!!!
That time I went on a Pre-Conjugal hunt.......
In the months before I got married, I went on a hunt.
It was called "the-marriage-advice-collation-from-random-people-because-marriage-manuals-are-just-darn-too-long" hunt. We didn't get an opportunity for pre-marriage counseling, therefore, we had to learn on the fly.
So the key word being random, I would ask people for marriage advice; strangers, friends, acquaintances, the elderly, the young, on the streets, plane, in conferences, on road trips; married, unmarried, never to be married (their words, not mine).
It was fun and it's amazing the wisdom that spews forth when people aren't expecting to be asked for advice! There were also some that were a bit creepy. Those I met with a side-glance and a "thank you" and won't be included in this post. Lol. Here are the top ten! Enjoy!
1.
"
Party!
Don't be that couple who stays home all day, peaking from behind the curtains at the cool neighbors!"
That Dutch guy (not married)
West London, London
2.
"Take your time with kids, they will come. In the while, please have fun!"
The super-model with the endless legs (m.2011)
West London, London
3.
"Be kind to one another and have lots of sex!"
The Yoruba lady (m. Since 1958)
Ibadan, Nigeria
4.
"Enjoy the good times but learn to enjoy the "not-so-good times."
That Spanish guy (not married)
West London, London
5
.
"Take time to cool off before you retort. Actually, scrap that, Don't retort."
The Italian lady (m.2009) Rome, Italy
6.
"Give each other space to be individuals."
The Indian guy (not married)
Holland Park, London
7.
"Don't pass on angry sex!"
The hot Lebanese girl(m. 2012)
West London, London
8.
"Feed him"
"Listen to what he says during the fights"
The Nigerian guy (m. 2011)
North London, UK
9
.
"Don't be too serious. Laugh at each other."
The Greek/Irish Couple (m. Since 1964)
Boston, MA Logan Airport
10.
"I had never cooked before I got married, I never had to. I remember the day I made my husband meatloaf for dinner. He ate it all; everything on his plate. Right after dinner, he says to me 'Mary, I love you but don't ever make that again'. From then on, he made the meatloaves. Wise, constructive criticism, develop that."
The Bostonian lady
Boeing, 747-400, somewhere over the Atlantic
Thank you to everyone who gave me marriage advice. I pray you have the most blissful lives and marriages! Amen.
Ten things to do before the end of April!
April (my favorite month, for not too obvious reasons) is almost gone! Now making every second count. To that end, here's Ten things to do before the end of April.
Have great a weekend! x
1. Watch Fast and Furious 7, if you are a little broke like me, watch the
then we can discuss how the Rock broke his Plaster of Paris caste with his biceps at 2.05
2.
Look over your goals and new year resolutions and evaluate. How's that diet going? Gym attendance dwindling yet? Aye! I've been in the gym more through other people's Instagram posts than physically this year. Get on the treadmill! Summer is upon us and the makings of a beach bod starts now (actually starts in February but hey....)
3.
Get that wax! (this includes the men too) If you have no idea what I'm talking about click
4. Draw a map of your country and label all states. If you can't, be comforted, my first attempt was ridiculous too (I'll have mastered it by Sunday though)
5. Stop asking yourself what to eat tonight! Use the "roll the dice" tab on
.com!
6. On the 30th of April, tell someone how your really feel about them or their hair or their breath. It's honesty day!!! Comes only once a year , best capitalize!
7. Spring clean! It's time to thoroughly clean your living space and your mind too. Assess your relationships. Forgive those you need to and make it a habit to be grateful and cheerful.
8.
Discover a talent you have! This requires alone time and trying new things. Try something new every week (food, movie/music genre, follow someone new on IG even!)
9. Pray for SA, the Middle East, Ukraine, Kenya, Nigeria, African Americans. The month of May had better have better news
10. Number ten! Drumroll!!!! Subscribe to Pagesbyike!!!
The Wax Affair : Heads up Down below! (#TBT)
For as many seeking the best way to get rid of hair on the undersides (*giggle*she said "undersides") and wonder what a wax feels like, wonder no more! I am here to share my experience. For almost 12 months now, I have been trying to convince two of my friends to get a wax and abandon the pungent smell of hair-removal cream and the 'in-growth fairy god-mother'; the shaving stick. Every time, I mention it, their eyes get this distrustful glazed look, a glare echoing reminiscence (i wonder why). Anyway, I dedicate this post to them.
I have gotten a wax done three times and I do not know which time was the most painful. It's already public knowledge that I don't do pain. Each time, I have had to constantly remind myself that I am a grown woman and I would have to exercise some self-control during the process....these reminders, all, of course, die once we start.
Ok, It's not fair that I make it sound horrendous and frighten any virgin-waxers and my friends but it is horrendous. The result, on the other hand is excellent. It's like eyebrow-threading. At the end, you look like a lawnmower ran over your face and left identical red highlights on your brow bones but that's ok, because you look excellently groomed and sharp, same down there with the wax! [Note: I convinced these same friends to get their brows threaded for the first time, hence, the deep distrust they have for me. hehe]. Get your wax on guys, let bygones be bygones! Muhaha.
First, I wouldn't recommend trying this on yourself unless of course you are trained to. I once tried waxing myself in the privacy of my own bathroom. That day, I trotted to the store, bought a home kit, locked myself in the bathroom and began with my underarms. Summary: disaster, I had to walk akimbo for 3 days. LOL!I'd recommend going to a specialist. They are trained to do this. Plus they have the bird's view and are able to reach areas you can't.
Bullet points on how it went down and what to expect....
- You follow the esthetician into a quaint, clean ( if otherwise, you are toast) room with a bench and table of equipment (ointment, wax heater, application sticks which remind me of ice-cream)
- Happy-faced esthetician (always happy faced) briefs you on the procedure. Asks you to strip your bottoms and lie down on the bench while she exits the room and probably stabs herself with a happy drug that helps her deal with your bushy genitals
- Smiling esthetician returns (always too early but knocks first thankfully)
- She folds back the towel you have covered your lower region with (which you hope she'd just leave in place and magically do her job, while never having to acquaint herself with your "privies")
- She lathers on warm, o, wonderfully warm wax and starts a conversation. You think to yourself, "This isn't so bad, what's that pagesbyike on about. Pain spain.....
- ....And then krrrrrrrrrrrchhh! Lights go off in your head like New year's eve. It's like a brain freeze plus a brain explosion. It's like an explosion in the Artic
- Then you let out this high pitched squeal-laugh caused by shock, pain and unpreparedness
- At this point you will be able to know if this is for you or not. Some people leave at this point (The Lord knows there have been times I almost jumped off the bench half shaven and still willing to pay the full price. Heck, I could have paid extra if she would just leave me alone). Thankfully they don't start down the middle and leave you with a Nigerian flag situation down there. So you can leave at this point
- If you stay after the first strip........my friend, we should meet. Chances are that you may be tough enough to outlast the Apocalypse and I want to be on your team
- Then comes the next warm wax lather and strip , it's no better than the first. You'd think the pain dips or plateaus but no....
- More conversation...Some praise from the esthetician (if she sees tears collect at the corner of your eyes)
- Approximately 8 "krrrrrrrchs" later...you are almost done.
- Then the butt wax. There's no dignified way to get this done....so humble yourself and remember that P.diddy dyes his pubes for whatever reason, which we will never know and never want to know. Dyed pubes. That always makes me feel better. I don't know why. Hope restored.
Everything I just said aside, it's really not that bad. Think of it as "ripping off the band-aid several times". If I, the queen of Nopainville, can, so can you! Go for it! It does a great job, gets you all groomed and tidy. Watch some Youtube videos. This one really helped me. This one is just plain entertaining. LOL
Allergies must be reported to the esthetician and yes, pop a painkiller some minutes before going in.
When you are done, you get a free lollipop. Not!
Happy waxing!
Ten things (plus one) you didn't know about girls with certain body types
I love research! I love research not related to school and credits, let me say. So anyway, I spent some time looking into some scientific studies done on the female body types and certain characteristics associated with them. Some of these scientific findings you might know already, others, not so much. Just remember these are not my facts, blame the scientists if you have any protests. Men, let's hear your thoughts on this one (especially #11) Girls, let's love beyond the size-barrier. Here goes....
1.Skinny girls are less fussy about size
(A-hem!) Skinny girls apparently are less discriminatory about size. So basically, "I have a big penis" is not the ideal pick-up line for a skinny girl.
[Yes, that's an actual pick-up line. I can testify! To be fair, he didn't use those exact words and it wasn't his first sentence, it was embedded into the conversation but that didn't make it less shocking. I couldn't blame him either, he really needed a selling point. He really really did].
Ok, back to the list.....
2.Men under stress are more attracted to "heavier" women
At the start of the study, the men were shown photos of women of varying sizes. Skinny girls were preferentially selected as more attractive. The men were then given some mentally ruffling activity and suddenly, they began to find the heavier girls more attractive! So I have no idea what's going on here....men, do you have an explanation for this? Studies also show that men in impoverished communities find bigger women more attractive too. I guess I would be an old maiden in those environs.
3. Men love the hips
Hold up that weight loss program! For ages, women have been trying to get rid of the fat in the hips....then Shakira sang "Hips don't lie" and we felt a little better. Studies show men love hips! Here's the snag, they love the a small waist too. So basically, the hour-glass shape. Ok, we all knew that. What we don't know is how to get the motivation for the teeny tummy. Here's a little encouragement I got during this research endeavour; women with smaller tummies have an easier time during child-birth than girls with more waist fat. If that doesn't encourage you...I don't know what will but i'll keep looking.
4. Curvier girls have bigger brains!
This, I didn't see coming. If you are scrunching your nose at number 3 and saying "I don't need a man to love my hips", here's another reason to appreciate your hips. Girls with bigger hips have a higher Omega-3 store in those hips. Omega-3; the ultimate brain food increases brain volume, aids learning and memory and protects the brain cells. Why didn't someone tell me this when I was in school.......And so begins my dedication to Omega-3 supplements. Wait, does that count?
5. Bigger girls are happier than skinny girls
Skinnier girls have loads to be grumpy about; small penises#1, being second best to stressed-out men#2, brains#4, C'mon! Bigger girls are clearly smiling to the bank. Lol!
6.Skinnier girls make more money
Yay! Good news for us finally. No one really knows why but there it is, all science-y and proven and stuff.
7. Skinny friends make you feel fatter
Ditch those skinny friends! Another reason skinnier girls are not as happy. By being my slender self, I apparently make my bigger friends more self-conscious and probably unhappy. Please don't ditch us. In our defence, studies show that having skinny friends actually help you stick to your your diet but not without making you feel fatter first. hehehe. Show your skinny friends some love.
8. Short girls are less ambitious
I don't know what short girls were used in these study but they haven't met my sister. She would have truly skewed their results.....horribly.
9. We embrace our body types if our men accept them too
We women find it easier to love our bodies if our men accept us as we are.So no matter how independent we are, we still have the inherent need for validation from the men in our lives. You can imagine that this has its pro's and con's. On the jolly side, it's wonderful to be accepted but lovingly nudged to the gym. On the other hand, it's also possible to be nudged to the cosmetic surgeon for a tummy tuck or bigger breasts! Dear men, loads of us struggle with self-image
insecurities
, but you can fix that. All you need to do is accept us; bass or treble.
10. Instagram (any photo-sharing platform, really) fuels self-image insecurity
This is a given. I love instagram but really.........those squatted bums, defined abs! And the bad news is, if you thought the last few months hurt your self-image or made you feel fatter, wait until summer,
when the coats come off and the bikinis scream A-hoy!
11. Girls with bigger hips tend to lose their virginity sooner!
I just had to add this. Please protest accordingly below!
Share with your curvy, skinny friends or men who you know would like this.
Sources:
http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3041609
http://elitedaily.com/news/world/study-fat-people-happier-skinny-people/
http://adage.com/article/news/study-skinny-women-bottom-line/130021/
http://healthland.time.com/2012/08/09/why-stressed-out-men-prefer-heavier-women/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201206/eternal-curves
Pictures:
Philly2philly.com
imgarcade.com
tomima.com
Letters to my Greatgrand-daughter : The Cheatee
Dear Charly,
If you have been cheated on, you need to cry. That's step one. Cry it all out, unabashed and without control......privately, NOT in front of him.
You might want to throw in a few "heartbreak" songs but only the ones that promise you will survive and what not.
The next thing to do is to burn his clothes!!!! I'm kidding. (Hollywood dictates that you burn his clothes....who comes up with this stuff, anyway?) Don't do that. Mainly because it's too much trouble and because you have better things to do. Not to mention that punishment only actually strikes a note if his clothes are really important to him and cost a fortune. If he shops at Kiton or Brioni (6000 to 50,000 USD per suit), it would make sense but then again he's very likely to replace it without flinching. It goes without saying that you should end the relationship with this boyfriend.
Do not call the girl he's seeing. I repeat do not call or even worse,
visit
the girl he is seeing. It would either result in a cat fight which is just distasteful. Or she could give you the "if you can't keep your man......." line. Alternatively, you could both bond, then dance to Beyonce and Shakira's "Beautiful liar" and go home. You would agree that none of this is time spent wisely neither does it provide closure.
Closure is most elusive after being cheated on. Ideally, an apology should fix it but that hardly comes along and if it does it's usually not sincere. So how do you get closure?
The most popular way is to "rebound". To get a new boyfriend or to have a fling. Unfortunately, this isn't closure, it's just a distraction; an attempt to feel wanted and significant. It's usually not well thought out and is almost always at the expense of the emotions of the new guy.
What you want is suppor, from friends and family and yourself.
Pull yourself together. Dress up and go out. Even if you are indoors. Perfume too.
Try not to hate... it just gives you wrinkles. Skip that phase. Skip the name-calling too. Try writing out how you feel, all the venom and anger on a sheet or a screen. Write it all out. When you read it five years later, you'd roll your eyes at how overdramatic you sounded. I read mine recently. I had to shred it immediately. My French could not be excused.
Wipe out every trace of him; gifts especially. No bonfire necessary. Donate to a charity.
So he's physically gone. He needs to be mentally absent too. You need a hobby. I know I say this in every letter. You do need a hobby; a productive, time-consuming one, that engages your creative mind. Make something, design something. Try a new sport.
Hopefully, you never get cheated on and don't need this letter. However, if you do, don't let this experience leave you wary of men. If it happens with more than one guy, don't become jaded and paranoid. Not all men cheat. It's the truth.
So remember; cry, ignore him and the girlie, get support, write it all out, get a hobby and stay wrinkle-free.
If he comes back and begs, you know what to do.
Love,
Greatgran x
Ps: don't even think about taking him back.
Disclaimer: Charly is not married and so she's free to cut her losses.
The Perfect Girl Recipe
My friend and I sat on the couch while we waited for our blueberry face masks to marinate. Looking ghoulish, gobbling choc-chip cookies and scaring people on snap chat....sometimes that's the best way to spend your Friday night.
There was no better time to talk about beauty and whine about the physical features we wished we had.
Nicky wished for darker skin so she would never have to lie under the summer sun tanning again(she's white and blond). I wished for rock-solid abs and endless hair, so I never have to see Shawn. T again or spend so much on weaves. She also wanted more curves and the chance to make braids
and plaits (don't ask). It turned out we both wanted what the other person had and took for granted. I realized how we all have something someone else wants.
We concluded that girls around the world were renowned for a particular physical trait (which they probably take for granted): This was our observation, correct us if we are wrong: Black girls; dark skin, curves, hair that actually stands, White girls ;flat tummies, long hair, Mediterranean/Middle eastern girls; dark eyes and lashes, Indian girls; voluminous hair, Asian girls; agelessness (we immediately googled Lucy Liu's age to back up that point. 46!).
If only there was away to fuse all these features together. We couldn't have it all but we could buy it all. So we decided to write the perfect girl recipe or the perfect girl survival pack.
Perfect girl recipe/survival pack
Ingredients
1 Fredrick's extreme-cleavage push-up bra
1 Ardyss body magic shaper
1 bum-lifting bra (briefs forgone)
1 body con dress
1 set of false eyelashes
10 pieces of gel nail fixtures
3-4 bundles of 22" Peruvian hair extensions (Nicky had no idea what this was)
1 stick of YSL's rogue volupte
A pair of heels.
Directions
Toss together.
That night, after we scared a couple more people on snapchat, we washed off the mask and continued to laze around on the sofa, snacking on junk.
Where did we get this idea of the perfect girl from? Media, of course.
The Post-nuptial let-go
December, 2014. Nigeria.
I'm at the braider's shop, three girls tugging my head in all directions, making my wonderful 20" braids. I was leaving Nigeria the following day and I was making flawless individually-trimmed "feathers". Delight. We were all having the regular saloon-chat. We were talking about Tiwa Savage, who was on TV at the moment. There were just 3 of us getting our hair done.
We were all married, I was the most recently wed. One of them kept staring at me (let's refer to her as (Tee). I wasn't sure why she was staring. Well, I had an idea.
Brow raiser 1
The third lady (let's call her Dee) speaks. Dee says, 'Look at Tiwa!' (in the familiar way Nigerians refer to Tiwa Savage like we just had lunch with her earlier). She continues, 'She's looking so well rounded and motherly, like a real married woman'. Side glance at me.
Awkward silence. (By now you might have guessed that I am not "well-rounded").
No point being sensitive. I break the silence by saying something about Tiwa's wedding in Dubai.
Brow raiser 2
Tee has been squirming in her seat, like a four-year-old on a plane with no entertainment , looking at herself in the mirror, examining her braids, looking at me, glancing at the TV, then at me. Then she lets it out : 'Sister',she looks straight at me 'I wasn't too sure you were married, you are so skinny! Isn't your husband feeding you?'
Silence.
I took three deep breaths. One for all the retorts that flooded my mind, including a low blow about her weight (the sister-code forbids this). I couldn't do it anyway, even though she had just blatantly attacked mine! However, no one cares about your feelings when you are skinny. What was the right response to this? It was either I let one out or I take the higher road.
So who made this rule that married people should be fat?
It’s just expected by the Tee’s of the world that you become fat after driving into the sunset! They say "It means your husband is taking care of you" or " it means your wife cooks for you ". When I got married I subconsciously believed this, to be honest. The time had come to gain a little weight, so people like Tee could nod in approval and welcome me into the fold.
And guess what happened to me…..yup, the let-go happened! You know the post-nuptial-let-go.
I got fat (the real F word), I stopped dressing up, had heavy lunches and survived the food-coma it brought, minimal exercise and I was missing out on those awesome endorphins!!!!!!! (Although I was getting them from other sources *clears throat*). Marriage had become my plush cushion where nothing was particularly demanded from me. It was like the chill-period after a mean lioness hunt (aka dating).
I officially admit to letting myself go a little (it takes courage to admit). This is the first time I’m actually admitting, denial was bliss but that’s over now. You know what they say about admitting being the first stage to recovery.
Anyway, I started gettingmyself together, hitting that gym, gurgling smoothies (the green ones, the real deal),healthy portions, more lean meat, vitamins, dressing up (even at home), no late-loafing-around-showerless days (I've never done that, I hear it's gross but liberating) . I was in shape, full of energy and looking wonderful. Enter Tee. I think Tee would have liked the post-nuptial-let-go me….. but we’ll never know.
I smiled at Tee in the mirror and said 'Yes, I am married'. That sufficed. Team high road.
She seemed surprised or offended or both, at my answer. Dee looked offended too. They probably would talk about me to their other married friends and then get over it.
In retrospect, I should have thanked Tee for putting things in perspective. Marriage doesn't mean stuff yourself to prove your spouse is taking care of you or that you both are in a good place. It also most definitely does not excuse the let-go. I'm reminding myself every day that marriage is not the boost to complacency.
Easier said than done.
Daily selfies are a way to track and motivate. Self-loving vanity with a twist of revival.