Letters to my Great-Granddaughter: Sexual Dividends(#TBT)
Dear Charly,
"Any man who truly loves you will wait for you." This was what my mum told me. We had heard that so many times and no one was listening (being in the new millennium and all, Woohoo Y2K! Ultra-throwback). It was year 2000 and all everyone wanted to do was have sex before the world ended.
Me, I was a mama's girl (rarer than the famed "mama's boy" ), I actually listen to my mother (sometimes). Of course, I pretend like I don't and give her a good argument, but I do listen. Anyway she had given me this bit of perspective when I was about to start dating. This consequently meant I didn't have to have sex if I didn't want to. It meant, I control the sexing in every relationship (not the guy) and if I didn't want to, no guy was going to pressure me and sulk his way into my awesomely lacy underwear. This was great! This truly was the key to dating, I could date as many men as possible and not be called a slut. I would find my ideal emotionally mature man, intellectually stimulating, crazy fun, people/ family lover, a bit of a foodie and adventurous. And *drumroll* I didn't have to invest any sex! It was genius (partly because I was icky about getting all body “fluid-y” with several men. One, was really all I needed).
This is not an instructional letter. Today, I’ll just tell you how it is and what I did. It’s completely up to you to decide.
First thing to know, Charly, is this: SEX is an INVESTMENT.
Investment
/ɪnˈvɛs(t)m(ə)nt /
noun.
An act of devoting time, effort, or energy to a particular undertaking with the expectation of a worthwhile result:(Oxford dictionary)
Sex requires devotion of time, effort and energy (if you are doing it right anyway); Shave, wax, lingerie (dolly, kinky, lacey, silky), kegels, sext, contraception (patch, pill, sponge, needle), condom (ribbed, not ribbed, latex, non- latex), Lube , imagination, spontaneity (car, shower, alley, basement), mental-winding on days you really don't want to. All these, with the expectation that he will find me awesomely wonderful and eternally indispensable, that he would be unable to imagine his existence without me and pop the question one day! This was the "worthwhile" result.
What were the odds that this would occur? How many guys would I have to have sex with before I finally got one who would pop the question? Would sex guarantee me a proposal or at least something steady? I really had no idea and I am not one to take random risks. This is where forty hours of my risk analysis and management class kicks in. I wasn't ready to invest sex into any relationship that wouldn't yield superb, tangible and sustainable results. True, I had needs. You probably do too (as much as I’d like to believe you don’t, being my little Great grand daughter and all). This wasn't about needs. It was about whether at 35 years old, I’d still be creeping out of a random guy’s room at 4 AM doing the walk of shame, or even worse I’d wake up in mine and he’s gone.
I decided. No sex. True, we’d make out. Up-against-the-wall-furniture-shifting make-outs (I didn't tell you this). However, no sex. If he did love me, he’d have to wait in line while I analyzed the relationship and its potential for growth. So with my perfect man criteria in place (mentioned above), I created a timeline:
Month 1: Meet boy (no sex)
Month 2-5: Get to know boy (no sex) aka probation period
This was the most intense time; the probation period. The main activity was research; his family, his Exes. Does boy have a drinking problem, cheating history, anger issues? Does boy need sex for this relationship? Is boy willing to wait till we are married? If he is, well, good for him, he could channel his sexual energy into hunting or some other activity. This was usually always the most sexually tense period. It wasn’t easy but you know what else isn’t easy? Getting over a breakup with a guy you were sleeping with. I had to be focused.
Month 6: Dating (No sex)
Probation extension. I have standards. Do not fall short, boy.
Month 7/8: (No sex)
At this point, the relationship is probably strained from too many fights and no sex. Muhahaha. Boy begins to come undone. Boy and I. On the brink of bliss or disaster.
Month 9: (No sex)
Tsktsk. Boy has cheated. Boy is acting up. Flirting with anyone and everyone. Boy thinks I'm oblivious.
Month 10: Goodbye, boy. On to the next.
Ten months. Difficult but effective. Heads up, just in case you try to do this, this won’t work if you are idle. Be busy at school, work, community projects, church. Do not trust will-power. My will has its strengths but resisting physical intimacy isn't one of them. I had to aid my will by selecting men appropriately and by self-branding (Dating and Business school really are connected!). He had to understand what I was about and know for certain that the sex thing was not off and on the table. It was off, far off.
I'm no super- woman here, I invented it because it makes sense and I had to protect myself……. from myself. I am my own greatest specialist in joy- sabotage.
Another reason I listened to mama was the fear of ending up with the wrong man, who I couldn't let go of because I felt attached to him. That would be selling myself short! I had seen it too many times. My train of thought usually was: If I meet him, have sex with him, then discover he's no good but I can't leave him because sex and its hormones make me feel bonded to him, tied to him, then I’d be in a pickle. An avoidable pickle (those are the worst pickles). Oxytocin, vasopressin and endorphins; the hormones of deception. They collectively make you feel attached to the guy, like there’s something monogamous about what you just did, helps you feel secure, soothes you and binds you. I guess in retrospect, the only reason older people tell you not to have sex is because of the effect of those darn hormones and the false sense of security they bring.
So Charly, if you have never had sex before and you plan to wait till you are married, make sure you have a good reason for doing so (told you all of mine). If you started already, humour me and try the ten month trial period on a guy. Let’s see if he makes it to month five.
Love,
Greatgran x
This post was previously published on our old space, feistyphi
Abi's Story | Married to a Jerk
Nabal, i think, might have been the most notable jerk in the bible, other than Judas, of course. Nabal was also married to one of the coolest girls ever recorded- Abigail. I mean, for David to have married her as a widow, it must have meant she was pretty cool or she was severely endowed. Endowed with whatever made David tick....probably, virtue........Yeah, right! Grin.
If you don't know the story, you could read it here. I had always imagined David marrying Abigail because he pitied her, because she was old and raggedy with creases on her face, cloaked in grey; because no one else would want her. That was not the case, the bible actually says she was quite the hottie and when the bible calls you a hottie, you best believe.
Unfortunately, she was stuck with this less-than-desirable man, Nabal.
It was a typical "How-did-a-beautiful-girl-like-you-end-up-in-a-dump-like-this?" situation. What makes the story unique is the familiarity of the situation. We all know an Abigail; one girl stuck in a "dump-like-this", stuck with a fool. It happens all the time.
Abi, somehow makes dump-situations quite promising, mainly because she ends up with David, another hottie. Most importantly, Abi makes this life of hers a bit more bearable by making the best of her dumpy-situation, without ever imagining she would ever come out of it. Sometimes, we think we are in bad situations and so we'd have to live dreary, miserable lives where we mope all day or distract ourselves with social media or Game of Thrones. She was very aware of Nabal's folly and its potential for impending doom and was able to manage it very well.
I think there are many things to be learnt off this woman, whether we are married or single; dating or not, dating fools or not, married to Nabals or not. She wasn't just a pretty face, not at all, she was endowed, like i said with so many "virtues". On a more serious note, here are 6 things to learn from this girl, Abigail. Here they are below:
1. She was very prepared for NABAL's stupidity
It would appear Nabal did stuff like this often enough, so, at some point she must have acquired wisdom and would counter his folly often and swiftly. He was rude and literally a fool. It's sad to think people like that exist, even worse to think amazing women are stuck with them. Get wisdom and get understanding. They are the most universal currency you'd ever know. They would save your life and set you on the path to destiny, in Abi's case, her wisdom set her on the path to becoming queen.
2. She was approachable to her servants
The servants could talk to Abi. She wasn't stuck up and lofty. By contrast, Nabal was. His servants called him a brute and called him unapproachable. Our subordinates should find us approachable, not perceive us as the kings and queens of tyranny. Take care of people in lower ranks and be friends with them. They may save your hide and hook you up, again, with destiny.
3. SHE DID NOT PROCRASTINATE NEITHER WAS SHE A G.O.T FAN!
Not kidding, if that was me, David might have killed us all. I might have said to the servant who reported the situation to me, "You do realize, Game of thrones is on right now. I'll go and meet this David person right after I find out if Jon Snow is dead for real." She did not procrastinate or take situations lightly. She was also quite informed about David and she knew he was an fugitive. She had probably seen him on TV. I guess that means we should watch the news and not just GOT.
4. She sent the servants ahead with the food
Dang, this girl though. She sent the food first. Your gift makes a path for you. This shows us not to be stingy, to know how food pacifies people (yup) and how to deliver gifts (with humility). Then she appeared right after the food had been delivered, probably not too bad looking either. She was the dessert.
Was that too much?
She was the dessert though....eventually.
5. She saw david's potential
Note these were David's broke days, like Chris Gardner (In Pursuit of Happiness kinda broke). David's hustle was too real but she saw he would be great, despite it. She saw substance and potential. She wasn't clairvoyant, she saw because she had substance too! She wasn't superficial or drawn to wealth, maybe she used to be and ended up with Nabal and now had come realize that money couldn't buy many things (in the case of Nabal, common sense). Her values had probably evolved with depth, as should ours.
6. She spoke into his life (ok, officially my fave girl in the bible)
Abi spoke into David's life and he literarily burst into a song and began to praise God. That's deep and you need to think about that. She spoke words of life into his being and evoked praise from him.
Now looking at Ed while he's asleep and I'm thinking about speaking words into his life even as he sleeps. Maybe tomorrow while he's awake. Nope, I'm going to do it right now.
Speak life into his being.
xx
In Pursuit of Happiness' cousin- Joy
I have a problem with Happiness. She is very fickle, temporary and most problematic of all, subject to the environment. Stuff make us happy all the time; the weather, food, friends, Chelsea FC's new humble status(lol), a raise, your new car with 0% APR, that Zara spring jacket, a guy, your child, your pet, your spouse, a rerun of Back to the Future!
These things can make you happy, they truly can. They possess an inherent quality which evokes a feeling of pleasure within us; but watch this, a man can make you happy, friends can make you happy, the same way your child can make you happy and then in the next second can easily tick you off; the same way your perfect-10 jeans can make you happy, when those lunges begin to pay off. You feel great, you look great, everyone on the street thinks you are Joy-Girl(pun unintended); construction workers are falling in gutters, cabbies are gaping, commuters are slowing down, husbands are getting backhand whacks from their wives. It's a great top-of-the-world feeling. Then comes a week long of ice-cream, pizzas, some caramel stuffed nutty chocolate bars; temptation galore which you fell into gladly. Now those same pair of jeans no longer make you happy; the construction workers don't notice you anymore and those that do can't take their eyes off your new tummy ( aka "the flabster.")
The thing about happiness is that it's subject to external forces, THEY own the power.
Joy, on the other hand is your personal decision to be full of delight whether your waist hangs high or low. I once met a homeless guy who honestly might be the most bubbly person I know. Even though he had no shelter and lived off the charity of others, he was such a riot! We might have talked for over an hour and honestly, when we were done I was tired, he was still roaring with energy! I'm like this guy though....even though he's homeless and lonely, he's full of an infectious, albeit exhausting joy.
Here's something even much more stable than happiness; Joy. It resides deep inside us. Situations and issues try to affect it but can't, not unless you give them permission to.
Remember, you are the sole protector of your own joy on earth. God does his bit and then you do yours. Do not let anyone or anything steal your joy. No one; nothing, not your jeans, not the construction workers, not even yourself.
xx
Don't forget to enter for the give-away!
The Green-Eyed Monster (featuring Kermit and Thor)
Envy stems from a dissatisfaction with the present circumstances of our lives, in light of the progress of someone else's.
One minute, we love our jobs, our cars, our engagement rings, our apartments and houses, the next minute not so much, because that other girl's job is so much more glamorous, it takes her to places with names you can't pronounce, her engagement ring breaks your screen when you see it on Instagram, her boyfriend looks like Thor, her car looks like the Jetsons', her apartment must have been fork-lifted off of @InspireMeHomeDecor. Suddenly your stuff looks so raggedy and ancient. Suddenly, your boyfriend looks like Kermit.
Envy starts with that subtle conscious or unconscious comparison of what we have with what belongs to someone else. Then we begin to wish it was ours. We wonder what makes her so special. We wonder why we are so unlucky. You wonder how a girl like that gets all that stuff and a girl as hardworking and morally superb as you gets.....this.
Why in the world do we spend time comparing our lives with that of others? Why do we let the good fortune of others so easily upset our state of contentment? Why do we let it ridicule all we have obtained and worked so hard for? We let it exhaust our effort and cloak our accomplishments.
One thing I know is that envy needs your permission to do all these things. Another thing I know is envy puts a cap on your capabilities! I can't decide if that is a corny line or if it sounds good. Lol. It's the truth though, it puts a cap on it, air-tight and all. It limits your achievements to the standard of the person you envy. You'll never do better than that person. Think about it, what if we are destined for more than what that person has? What if we are destined for an amazing ever-after with Kermit-bf or a way more fulfilling job? What if Kermit-bf hooks you up with a nicer ring eventually? What if?
In Ancient Greece, envy was frequently associated with illness. The Greeks compared envy and jealousy with liver disease, during which bile is overproduced in the liver, turning the patient a little green. They may have found envy so ailing and debilitating that they came up with the expression "green with envy".
I agree that envy is a disease. Your immunity to it, however, is contentment and realizing your path is unique; that your life's plan which God drew out is the most optimal plan, any other plan would be substandard.
So do you have that friend who has it all together; great job, smart, talented, stylish, Thor-Idris hybrid of a boyfriend and all the things you wish you had? If you don't, you should get one. It's a great opportunity to learn to be delighted for another person's good fortune, a chance to overcome the green fluorescence of envy. When you finally do, you'll be a better person than you ever were.
Have you hacked envy? Please tell us how!
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My First Give Away!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Pages by Ike is over a month old! Thank you for sticking around, for the likes, shares and comments. It's time to celebrate and abuse exclamation marks in excitement!!!
One winner gets to win a Fitbit Flex Wireless Activity and Sleep tracker!
Yup, it's time to be a doer and not just a reader. Don't wait until 2016 to start to get your physical activity habits right, trust me 2016 has fitness challenges in store for you already, so get a head start by tracking your activity with the Fitbit! Your Fitbit is stylish and makes your lifestyle adjustment to #fitfam a lot more trendy!
To win, all you have to do is hit the adorably blue subscribe button (or click here) and once you are all registered, let us know by commenting below. The winner will be contacted and together we'll draw up a plan to get your fitbit to you.
Entry closes November 14th! (UPDATE: The winner has been sent an email)
(Open to residents of the US, UK, Canada and Nigeria. Delivery time might vary for locations.)
Previous subscribers will be automatically considered for the giveaway but have to comment below as well.
All the best!
8 Reasons you might be Stuck in a Rut-n-Relationship
One day, you wake up and realize you are in a relationship you shouldn't be in.
"What am i doing here?!" The sky is NOT a different kind of blue, birds are NOT singing, neither is Michael Bublé, your laces don't tie themselves anymore, the clouds definitely have given way and you have fallen a good 100,000 feet out of heaven. You know you can do better but it's just easier coasting along and holding on to the familiar, just because it's what you've always known. That's the main reason we remain in unhealthy relationships; it's inconvenient to leave. First you have to break up with him, then his friends, then try not to think about him when you buy the 3 scoop vanilla-choc-cookies'n'cream ice-cream on a waffle cone you guys would usually get on Sunday afternoons. You'd also have to get back to having no boyfriend and someone to cuddle, no one to tag in bae-memes. You'd probably have to buy another phone, after throwing your phone against the wall with all those wedding photos on IG. Leaving might be really uncomfortable, so we remain in the Bublé-lessness and dissatisfaction. Of course, our friends tell us to move on with it but we don't. The secret to getting on with a break up is to watch your reflection slap itself in the mirror. It works eventually, on the 6th smack. Just kidding.
Bye, Felicia!
Below are other considerably amusing reasons we might decide to stay in a relationship we shouldn't be in:
1. HE OWES YOU MONEY
Lol! This literarily might be the most hilarious reason to remain in a relationship. If your almost-ex-bae is owing you money and you have no intentions of leaving without it, i completely understand. You are not alone, I've done it before. Then I had to ask my reflection...."Wait around for him to pay the debt OR Buble-Birds singing with the right guy+Lace-self-tying package." The Lace-tying was all the persuasion I needed.
2. YOU OWE HIM MONEY
This is less funny than the previous because I guess it shows you have a conscience. Some girls would bail even though they were indebted. That's really nice, however, your ovaries aren't getting any younger. It might be one of those situations when you might actually need to borrow to pay up a debt and move on out. Being trapped in a relationship because you owe is robbing yourself of time and fulfillment .
3. YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH THE IN-LAWS
It's that situation where you started dating him and then you became best friends with his sister, became healthy hair journey buddies with his cousin and favorite visitor of his gateman. Argh! The dodgiest ones have the best family, I don't know how, honestly. It's like his emotional deficit was divinely redistributed to his siblings and parents in double measure. It really makes breaking up so much more difficult! Break up with the family first in your head.....not forever though, just till everything is settled. Take time out for yourself to move on. The family should understand and respect your decision for some time off. If you realize his family remind you too much of him, I guess you have to let them go too.
4. YOUR FAMILY IS IN LOVE WITH HIM
When mum won't stop baking him cakes, cooking him banga soup and dad won't stop inviting him over to "tease his intelligent young mind" over a glass of Jack. Seriously, Dad?
Have a talk with your parents, let them know you are letting him go. They need to as well. Plus, you also eat cakes and banga and have an intelligent young mind. How about they re-direct all that to you for now?
5. SEX
This is in two parts:
a) The sex is great
"Staying with a man for sex is a great idea." See how that sounds? Enough said.
b) You invested sex and now you feel trapped
Sex is an investment but if the relationship isn't working and you feel you might lose out by walking away, let me be the first to say, you won't. Think of all the grade A sex you could have with the right husband instead of this substandard body bumping you now currently endure because you feel tied to him. Moving on would be painful but staying in a dysfunctional, retarded relationship could do more damage on the long-run.
6. HE GIVES YOU A STIPEND
If this stipend is 6-7 digits and in a currency that is on a typical foreign exchange board, well, what can I say? Refer to question at the end of reason #1. If you are to lazy to scroll back up: Wait around for your stipend OR Buble-Birds singing with the right guy+Lace-self-tying package. Entirely up to you, but just think....lace self-tying!!!!!
If it's a 2-3 digit stipend.......grunt!
7. HE BLACKMAILED YOU TO STAY WITH HIM....
........the makings of a Days of our lives episode! If he knows something about you and threatens to tell if you leave, maybe you should confide in someone and find a way to tell it to the people he's threatening to reveal your secret to. That just sounded very soap opera-ish, truly.
8. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WITHOUT A BOYFRIEND
There are other fish in the sea and here's how to find them!
What's the most random reason you've stayed in a relationship? How do you fall out of love with the in-laws? Have you ever remained in a relationship for reason #1?
Become a Blogger in 5 minutes!
This post took me about 5 minutes to read (and 2 weeks to write, lol), hence the title. I need to take out time to appreciate bloggers out there. They work really hard to ensure they provide the best quality for their readers , spend a lot of time getting posts together and usually don't go to bed until they know they got it right, only then, do they permit themselves to plop down on their with a smile on their faces because they know they have made someone's day. So, here's to bloggers out there!
I have been blogging for about one year now, actually 11 months. I seem to have fallen in love with it. From sourcing for a creative urge to sitting down in my space to build and design; watching responses and blog statistics; finding ways to be better; encouraging new and fellow bloggers; posting; interacting with all my great readers; giggling with people who send me private messages. I love it all and i'd be crazy not to encourage others to blog. Some people say it's therapeutic- the writing bit. I don't know about that, maybe, but I do know it's fun and challenging! Here are a few things i have learnt over the last 11 months both first-hand and second-hand, which have helped me on this super-exciting journey. Enjoy!
Set your vision and goals
A question i had to answer at some point on this journey was; what do you hope to achieve from blogging? My honest answer was and still is to provide a space where we all can be life/relationship hackers, unfazed by life's curve balls, which it throws at us all the time. Pagesbyike was created on that vision and serves as resource that draws from science, God, experiences and real people to provide its community with hacks! Understand what your vision is and run with it. Set goals to achieve this vision, then plan.....
Map out a blog plan
Something bloggers might struggle with is the consistency of putting up posts. We have other responsibilities that require our attention, of course and your readers completely understand....not! Lol! If they love what you write, they probably want it everyday, every hour even! Drawing up a blog plan to work with and setting deadlines, makes blogging much more tangible and manageable. I have learnt to always plan ahead, 3 months ahead. Having an idea of what you'd like to blog about ahead of time, takes out the initial nerve wreaking frazzle of the "What do i post?!!!" situation.
Choose your subject matter
Write what you know but also test the waters. There's so much stuff to write on. Choose something that you are absolutely passionate about, not merely just interested in. I am super-passionate about making better life decisions and continuous self-improvement but i am interested in food recipes. I would gladly read food recipes off another blogger but i might not last a week blogging about recipes. Know you passions and differentiate them from your interests.
Don't be obsessed with statistics
O, the statistics!! I remember my first month writing, i think I was my only reader, lol and of course Ed. I'd check the blog metrics and there'd be only two counts for visitors. Needless to say, it was quite discouraging but Ed would always say "Just write", I don't think there's anything more inspiring than those two words. It outweighs all the technicality and stats and helps to focus on the right thing; passion.
Know your audience
It's helpful to know the demographics of your target audience. Some blogging platforms provide the geographical locations of your readers (blogger, squarespace). Blogger provides a very comprehensive geo-location analysis of your audience. When we were on blogger, sometimes, i'd see readers in Russia, Senegal or Alaska! It was terribly exciting and it helped me understand that i had to be more dynamic with my writing. Knowing your audience helps you tailor your posts to their needs and interests.
Help me tailor yours, send me a message here!
Respond to all comments
From my statistics, i can tell you that less than 10% of readers comment. If some readers from that very small percentage choose to comment, honor their comments with a response. Also, as a blogger, make it a habit to comment on other blogs. My friend says its like a sowing a seed, it will eventually come back to you too. Another reason is that your comment encourages those bloggers and it may also direct traffic to your blog if you leave an interesting comment.
Do give aways!
Giveaways are a great way to engage your audience. True, there may be people who just stop by for the freebies but hey, haven't we all. No judgement. My first giveaway is coming up soon! Watch out for that...christmas might be coming a little early this year!
Thank you, to all those who comment ever so frequently!
xx
What is your favorite blog? Are you thinking about starting a blog? Are you a new blogger? What are your main challenges? How long did it take you to read this post?
The Wax Affair: Heads Up Down Below (#TBT)
For as many seeking the best way to get rid of hair on the undersides (*giggle*she said "undersides") and wonder what a wax feels like, wonder no more! I am here to share my experience. For almost 12 months now, I have been trying to convince two of my friends to get a wax and abandon the pungent smell of hair-removal cream and the 'in-growth fairy god-mother'; the shaving stick. Every time, I mention it, their eyes get this distrustful glazed look, a glare echoing reminiscence (i wonder why). Anyway, I dedicate this post to them.
I have gotten a wax done three times and I do not know which time was the most painful. It's already public knowledge that I don't do pain. Each time, I have had to constantly remind myself that I am a grown woman and I would have to exercise some self-control during the process....these reminders, all, of course, die once we start.
Ok, It's not fair that I make it sound horrendous and frighten any virgin-waxers and my friends but it is horrendous. The result, on the other hand is excellent. It's like eyebrow-threading. At the end, you look like a lawnmower ran over your face and left identical red highlights on your brow bones but that's ok, because you look excellently groomed and sharp, same down there with the wax! [Note: I convinced these same friends to get their brows threaded for the first time, hence, the deep distrust they have for me. hehe]. Get your wax on guys, let bygones be bygones! Muhaha.
First, I wouldn't recommend trying this on yourself unless of course you are trained to. I once tried waxing myself in the privacy of my own bathroom. That day, I trotted to the store, bought a home kit, locked myself in the bathroom and began with my underarms. Summary: disaster, I had to walk akimbo for 3 days. LOL!I'd recommend going to a specialist. They are trained to do this. Plus they have the bird's view and are able to reach areas you can't.
Bullet points on how it went down and what to expect....
- You follow the esthetician into a quaint, clean ( if otherwise, you are toast) room with a bench and table of equipment (ointment, wax heater, application sticks which remind me of ice-cream)
- Happy-faced esthetician (always happy faced) briefs you on the procedure. Asks you to strip your bottoms and lie down on the bench while she exits the room and probably stabs herself with a happy drug that helps her deal with your bushy genitals
- Smiling esthetician returns (always too early but knocks first thankfully)
- She folds back the towel you have covered your lower region with (which you hope she'd just leave in place and magically do her job, while never having to acquaint herself with your "privies")
- She lathers on warm, o, wonderfully warm wax and starts a conversation. You think to yourself, "This isn't so bad, what's that pagesbyike on about. Pain spain.....
- ....And then krrrrrrrrrrrchhh! Lights go off in your head like New year's eve. It's like a brain freeze plus a brain explosion. It's like an explosion in the Artic
- Then you let out this high pitched squeal-laugh caused by shock, pain and unpreparedness
- At this point you will be able to know if this is for you or not. Some people leave at this point (The Lord knows there have been times I almost jumped off the bench half shaven and still willing to pay the full price. Heck, I could have paid extra if she would just leave me alone). Thankfully they don't start down the middle and leave you with a Nigerian flag situation down there. So you can leave at this point
- If you stay after the first strip........my friend, we should meet. Chances are that you may be tough enough to outlast the Apocalypse and I want to be on your team
- Then comes the next warm wax lather and strip , it's no better than the first. You'd think the pain dips or plateaus but no....
- More conversation...Some praise from the esthetician (if she sees tears collect at the corner of your eyes)
- Approximately 8 "krrrrrrrchs" later...you are almost done.
- Then the butt wax. There's no dignified way to get this done....so humble yourself and remember that P.diddy dyes his pubes for whatever reason, which we will never know and never want to know. Dyed pubes. That always makes me feel better. I don't know why. Hope restored.
Everything I just said aside, it's really not that bad. Think of it as "ripping off the band-aid several times". If I, the queen of Nopainville, can, so can you! Go for it! It does a great job, gets you all groomed and tidy. Watch some Youtube videos. This one really helped me. This one is just plain entertaining. LOL
Allergies must be reported to the esthetician and yes, pop a painkiller some minutes before going in. When you are done, you get a free lollipop. Not!
Happy waxing!
What's your least favorite fashion ritual?
This post was originally published on our old space; feisty phi.