Selah Quote
“We think sometimes poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this poverty. ”
Fun bits of Phone Dating
It usually starts with your friend saying "I know this guy you might like." You look suspiciously at her because that was what she said last month and following through on her recommendation, blind dates have now been tagged traumatic and a No-Na-ah for you. So skeptically, you eye her and ask that very question which we all ask at a blind date offer- "Do you have a picture?"
Clearly, it follows that any one eligible for phone-dating or blind-dating be equipped wth a stash of recent pictures (taken in flattering light and with minimal editing). Emphasis on recent, no reliance on old glory, y'all. It's a very pivotal moment when that person sees your photo and either gasps(good gasp) or gasps(bad gasp). Put forward your best photos. If in doubt, ask a friend's opinion, nothing to be ashamed of, I have a friend who I bother all the time. Sometimes you think you look like your favorite Eva but you don't. You really don't. Again I say, get a friend's veto.
A favorite bit of phone dating for me is the quality and pliancy of conversation. It was definitely more fun before social media, when we hd2abbrv8! Fun days. I guess many people think you're disadvantaged if you have to have conversations on the phone and not face to face. Frankly, I think it helps to focus on building the intellectual communication aspect of the relationship before you meet in person, get to know him/her before the physical element distorts it all. I'm not saying that being face to face doesn't encourage intellectual roots but it does get a little distracting when you just met and you're staring into those dark eyes, in that perfect face, on this sweater-weather day, while you get all the butterflies in your tummy. Flicker goes the flame of intellect with those darn butterflies.
Wait, random question, have you ever had butterflies while talking on the phone? I think I have! I wonder what the physiological interpretation of butterflies are. I'm going to find out and write a geeky post on it. I'm kidding, like I write geeky posts. Hmmph.
In addition to developing roots, it also helps mute ignorance...e.g if the person uses a big word you can quickly check what in the world it means! Lol! I remember a guy once sent me a message with this huge word. My friend and I scrabbled everywhere looking for the meaning of the word so I could send an appropriate reply. This was before smart phones so I had to actually check my dictionary! .........and now I've dated myself and everyone will know how ancient I am. That day though, thanks to the ignorance-muting effect of phone dating, i was able to respond with an equally big word which took him an hour to respond to! A-ha!
Another fun bit; phone farts and bathroom breaks. Have you ever been on the phone with a person you really liked, early in the relationship and you need to go? As in go, like #2 go? With #1 you can keep the person talking and mute the call so he doesn't hear you. But #2 is a hang up the phone situation. Don't try muffling the mic, muting or doing the tissue cushion trick. Hang it up. Do it.
If nothing has been learnt from this post then let this be your take away; Your sexting screen shot is a heart beat away from becoming a meme these days. Hehe.
Date with Decorum💋
What is your best bit about phone-dating?
Love, Angels and Grunts
"Don't give people advice once they fall in love. Give it before." That's what one of my older friends says.
We all know people are very irrational when it comes to love, so once a person keeps coming back to you with the same problem, same complaints, same situation, same bruise(different eye), you need to grunt and be done with it.
No point trying to "speak sense" into anyone who is in the skies above, floating on heart-shaped clouds with harp-playing angels. Though the Angels have also wondered and probably asked her about the black eye from last week and the inverted bruise this week. They asked what she's doing up, up here on the clouds still, naturally she must have replied them with the ".....but I love him" statement, so the Angels grunt and play on.
No one really listens to you when you advice them to leave someone they think they are in love with. They usually come to the realization themselves and not because someone told them to. This happens in time or sometimes never at all; sometimes they remain with the bruise-giver for life. As a friend, be ye not irritable if she knocks on your door and stumbles in with a tear-streaked face, sits on your sofa and asks for the umpteenth time, "Should I leave him?", she's crying yet again, using up all your tissues, just like she did last week. And the week before. (This is why you tactfully bought her some handkerchiefs for her birthday).
Even though it's eating you up inside and you want to shake some sense into her, show her a mirror and scream "Yes!" in all 7000+ languages (with the angels as backup voices), just grunt. Seriously, don't bother. #JustGrunt
P.s: If you need to ask someone if you need to leave some guy, you already know the answer. Grunt.
What are your thoughts on grunting? Would you keep advising or would you grunt in chorus with the Angels?
5 Tips to Consider when Catching Fish (and by fish, we mean a guy)
Imagine coming out of the worst relationship in the history of relationships. Maybe you ended it voluntarily or you were 'involuntarily dislodged' (aka dumped), you are a little sad and angry but generally relieved. People come up to you, console you, they slap you on the back and say how there are many fish in the sea, a plethora of opportunities; clown fish, gold fish, snappers, the striped ones (can't remember what they are called), those shiny ones, the scaly ones. They say "No worries! There are 28000 species of fish, if you take out the Sharks , we still have more than 26000 species to work with still!"
I feel as if at this point I have over-explained the technicality of “fish in the sea.” You get my point though, you leave a dyfunctional relationship and jump off the ledge into the sea of singlessness expecting to be surrounded by all these amazing, hot fish but it's all silent on the sea floor. Then....oh! you see a fish! You try to get his attention, but instead attract the attention of his unfriendly spouse; a menacing snapper. "Well", you think to yourself, "the world is a sea, there will be fish for me." At this point, I should state explicitly that fish will be synonymous with a guy in this post.
Where are all the guys? This promised bliss and plethora of options seems a little inconsistent with the situation at hand. For some reason, all that's available for now are your ex (sea weed) and loads of married people (sea anemone). What happened to all the fish?!!
Well, the fish are all in there. Right there! I'm sure it doesn't help either when someone who got out a relationship like you suddenly gets a new fish. People never tell their fishing secrets! Even at the market, fish show up, placed on ice or filleted and sealed in a plastic bag, there's so much they don't tell you at the market or on the packet about the process of catching fish, likewise, there's loads of stuff happy couples don't tell you about the process of catching fish, but you know how I like to be the teller so, these are my observations on the fish scarcity and five tips on being a bit more strategic with fishing using real fishing methods:
Remember, everyone is looking for a different kind of fish and all methods are different. So this may or may not apply to your fishing endeavours. Here we go......
1. Patience!
I live in one of those places where the lake freezes over and people drill holes in the frozen lake, sit on little buckets/stools and fish...for hours, in the cold, cold, o-so cold air. I watch these guys fish from the comfort of my car (naturally) and admire their tenacity. They sit, resolute, for quite a long time. Most amazingly, sometimes, they catch a fish and if the fish isn't situable for their needs(e.g too small), they put them back! So after sitting in the cold for ages, I finally get a tug on my line or in our case a guy decides to ask me out, a guy that actually likes me and then I choose to let him off the hook? Why in God's blessed world would I do that? Well, because that's not what the fisherman wants or requires. How quickly do we settle for less, when we are pressured by the environment and the harsh nagging voice of society to be engaged before 24. Not every tug on the line is The right Fish. True, everyone is getting married but they probably didn't marry the first fish they caught. Which makes it necessary to know what exactly it is you want in a fish. Yup, have some fishing standard.
3rd fish, first row...hell-to-tha-naw, to the no no no 🎤 LOL!
2. Know thy fish
So do you want a fish with muscles, a fish that likes to karaoke in his spare time, a fish who likes to walk on the beach, a church fish, a fun fish, a geek fish(the best!), a dimpled fish, a shy fish. Great, you know what you want. Specificity helps direction and technique.
To be honest, I didn't know specifically what kind of fish I wanted but I definitely wanted a God-loving, honest, fun and wise fish. I left the details to God. Awesome thing about God, all other things are usually added when you leave stuff to him but first, basic specifications.
3. Habitat (I)
Fishermen do alot more than catching fish when out on the lake. They actually stop for a moment and get acquitainted with the habitat, they take in the environment, enjoy it or at least they try to. Key word being, TRY. Enjoy being single. Married people never tell you but sometimes, just for a milli-second in the middle of a hot stressful Wednesday afternoon with their spouse upset on the other side of the phone, they reminisce about the days they were single and stare ruefully into the horizon. So enjoy the environment and your status while you fish!
Habitat (II)
Also understand the habitat of the kind of fish you want. If your kind of fish likes to hang around karaoke bars, well, you know where to set up your tent...and I think I have unintentionally set you up as a stalker. Lol. No stalking, no tents; all figures of speech.
4. Bait Right
While there is no creepy-less way to say this, it's important to bait your fish by attracting the attention of the kind of fish you want. Types of baits: Appearance, Body language, Crew(as in friends/crowd), Location. Dress to attract what you want, polish your body language. Your friends and your regular locations are a pretty strong indication of who you are.
Then, values; your most priced bait. Whatever values you have have the ability to scare fish away or make them linger and eye the bait. If your values are compatible with fishie's, then he bites, which is what we want! Yay!
5. Consulting
Jesus is like the Ernst and Young for fishing! Not even kidding, he is like THE fish-farming-catching consultant, ask Peter. He can help you find the right fish! You just need to ask and you'll be recommending his services to everyone like I am now.
[Remember to wait in style. I'm of the school of thought that waiting around for your life to start only when you meet a new fish is a great way to waste your life. There is just so much to do! Travel, learn skills, make friends, work on you, build an empire, eat fried insects, paint murals, visit Venice, no, you don't need a man to visit Venice! I believe you should carry on with life while conserving point one (patience) and at the right time after lessons have been learnt, character has been developed, experience has been acquired (hopefully not too painful), the right person comes along. Till then style, it is.]
In no way have I tried to represent the complex, unphathomable phenomenon called love in a simplistic way. I just believe lessons can be learnt from our environment and the complexity of existence.
Do you have any fishing tips or fishing experience you'd like to drop below? Are you surrounded by seaweed? What's your best bait technique?
5 Animations to look out for in 2016
Mums and dads, you know Pixar, Illumination and Disney have you covered every year. 2016 is coming with amazing movie-date opportunities for you and your kids! Who says parents can't go see a movie too, well technically, it's an animation which is in someway a movie. Who cares, you get to have some more bonding time with your babies! If you just groaned out loud at more time with your babies, well, groan no more, you can set up dad with the kids and they can go out and see angry birds while you escape to a spa where Pixar is the furtherest thing from your mind as you get your neck kneaded into muscle-heaven.
Another thing to do while the cat and kittens are away would be to create something, anything; write a poem, sketch something, paint something, sew a dress, design a purse, start a blog! Nothing is impossible in the presence of calm. [Click here for some encouragement.]
So quickly, check out the trailers and plan those movie dates, the next Mona Lisa isn't going to paint itself, m'am!
Top 5 Animations (2016)
1. Kung Fu Panda 3!
Apparently Po finds his real dad, or supposedly finds his real dad. The trailer is just down right funny.
2. Angry Birds Movie
I've never played the game. During the time when it was popular, i was on a no-addictive games streak....until i got sucked into CandyCrush. Tut-tut-tut. Then rehab, withdrawal symptoms, sweating and the works. No games for me, i can't wait to see this movie though!
3. The Secret life of Pets
Usually i'd watch anything set in New York and that has Kevin Hart in it. So there.
4. Finding Dory (official trailer to be released)
Remember Dory, the blue fish from Finding Nemo? Well, i can't say i'm surprised but she's lost and Marlin and her friends need to find her.
5. Ice Age: Collision Course (official trailer to be released)
More Scrat! He's the highlight of the Ice Age movies. I can't help analyzing the relationship Scrat has with that acorn. It really depicts a deep message of chasing things we think we need, hoarding it and watching it prove to be elusive, over and over again. Children movies are deeper than you think. Plan your 2016 animation schedule!
Have fun!
I'll update this post the moment all trailers are in!
Bank of Daddy to Bank of Bae
Sometimes, I imagine my dad somewhere on an island, say old San Juan wearing a straw hat, drinking an authentic piña colada and kicking the sand into the air as he dances off into the sunset. Oh, the joy! Those high maintenance girls are gone! Now he doesn’t have to stare into those doe eyes anymore, wondering why shoes and purses cost so much; doesn't have to try to wrap his mind around the concept of weaves and why I pay so much to have them put in, even more perplexing, #teamnatural expenses; how expensive is it to let your own hair grow out of your own head?! I'm kidding my dad is awesome and has never considered my sister and I a burden, but he can't deny our high maintenance-ness. Now, we are both married and on those delightfully warm, sunny wedding days, he signed off all responsibility to our wonderful spouses. He must have chuckled discreetly at each one's beaming, ecstatic face and thought, "In time, my son, in time."
It's been over a year now that i've been off payroll for Bank of Daddy(BOD), of which daddy had been the chairman and mommy, the president of the financial reserve. For close to 30 years, BOD has found ways of investing and working to ensure that everything that I have needed and sometimes, wanted, has been provided to the best of its ability. These days, i am with Bank of Bae (BOB), where bae and I are chairman and president. Things are a little different.
For starters, we only began investing in the last one year. Needs, cravings and wants are no longer in an indistinguishable muddle. There exists now something called a priority list. Purchases are planned, bills have our names on them, which really makes me feel old, we own a printer and care about ink, we own saucers and single people don't want to be friends with us anymore (sniff). That was completely random, back to having a priority list.
I've had a couple of days when Ed and I would disagree in the store aisles over stuff we actually need. You know how we girls really really need a pretty shiny salad tosser? Or is it just me? What about all those colorful Kate Spade home decor items; those neon colored kitchen utensils, like the fuschia whisk and lime spatulas, those bedsheets with so much threadcount, it's almost like sleeping on a cloud. Uh! those towels that make me feel like I just dried myself with a sheep, and then, that clutch purse.....*eyes glazed over* and then.....*eyes twinkling* those killer-heels! All this while, I'm all over the store and Ed is looking at me like, "Umm.....rent."
Needless to say, I needed to get a grip and who likes to get a grip? Not me. I wish I knew the steps to transitioning. It's either one of two things, either you restrict yourself and acquire more financial management skills or expand to what is in Bank of Bae and acquire even MORE financial management skills. Now, your very perception of value needs to be reconfigured. Now, the strappy sandals you just bought really should be on number 9 of your priority list but it's still number 1. Now, if you want to get a Masters degree, you actually have to plan. In the past, Bank of Daddy would wire you all the money. Not any more, now you own saucers! If you don’t mentally prepare yourself before you take your vows, its very possible you’ll think you are still on pay-roll from BOD and then you make an unjustifiable purchase (the pair of killer-sandals) which puts a significant dent in BOB and then to make it worse, you kinda forgot to buy groceries. If you are lucky or in the UK or US, you'll be able to return the purchase. If you live in Italy or Nigeria, I guess you and Bae would have to eat your new shoes for dinner.
It starts with a change in our minds to downsize or expand, all with wisdom and also the decision to choose to be realistic and considerate. Little comparison can be made with the financial situation of BOD and BOB, Bank Of Daddy has like a 40-50 year head-start, it's sturdy while BOB, sometimes, is like that new bank down the road, it needs a little bit of time to take root, so some consideration and prudence from your end will do it a lot of good. If you are high-maintenance, take the knob down just a notch. In time, it all comes together. Of course, it helps if BOB allows some occasional splurging, it makes the readjustment process a little better. So hear, he-baes, your task is to help her transition easy, let her buy her cloud-bedsheets or get her the clutch that got her eyes glazed over or that random polka dot skirt that makes her happy for some reason; she's in transition. And you know what they say about people in transition.......[hehe, nothing, just get her the clutch, jo].
Have you loved on your parents recently, verbally and financially? How have you successfully transitioned from BOD to BOB? How did you figure it out?
Emperor of Sofa to Emperor, Fitfam
Photo credit: Me!
If you are an adopted member of #fitfam (like me) and ignoring Cold stone, Krispy Kreme and Dominos is getting pretty hard; if running 5 miles feels like a stretch and exercising in general looks like it's cut out for others and not you, well, I've got great news for you. Below are some tips on how to repudiate your reign as Emperor of sofa and assume a new position; Emperor of #fitfam. If you can't stand the term #fitfam, please skip to the last paragraph. I can't particularly give you a time frame for your transition; the main determinant is your will....fused with this post. Here goes....
1. Insta-Mentor
An insta-mentor gets you rolling out the mat and grabbing the dumbbells in no time. Mine on Instagram is @sofialevfitness. She never fails to inspire my abs. My abs love her. The part of me that hates to work out though....not so much. During those times when I don't feel like being Emperor, I just scroll fast past her 15 second videos, but then after a swift scroll, there she is again! She's one of those multiple photo/video uploaders. A fitness mentor inspires your body parts and it helps if they are really active on social media and in your face all the time.
2. Buy Gym wear (neon does it!)
I don't know if this happens to anyone else but when I wear my gym clothes, I have a Clark-Kent-like transformation. My jaw is set, I stand akimbo, staring into the sun with an imaginary red cape blowing in wind...that kind of stuff and then off I go to the gym to run less than my proposed 3 miles. Superman has his timeout days too, what can I say? Nevertheless, buying gym gear definitely helps your morale and enthusiasm in breaking a sweat. If you feel you need an arm, head, ankle, belly band, get them all, as long as they makes you feel like you were born on the thread mill and get that heart rate up.
3. Gym/Work it
Now that you have those neon beauties, i guess it's important to join a gym! It's worth every penny. A cheaper alternative would be buying work out tapes (I said tapes, I don't know why i said tapes). If you are on a budget, google some aerobic exercises or do what i do; make up a routine and work it out consistently.
4. Ignore junk food
You'd think that associating the word "junk" with "food" would turn us all into junk food snobs but no, makes us love and crave it even more. Make cooking a habit and do it quantities that last at least a week. Also snack right with healthier options; nuts, fruits, vegetables. Leftovers and healthy snacks are the key to junk-snubing.
5. Make healthy eating fun!
Try new healthy recipes and make healthy pastries. If you are a baked goods lover, bake healthy. Eat dinner early, 7pm early, and if you are above the age of 25, carby night-caps are probably not the best idea.
6. Get a pedometer!
I should get paid for this pedometer thing but seriously, get one for yourself and a loved one this Christmas. It helps to measure your daily activity. You'll very soon realize how sedentary you actually might be, which we don't want, sitting being the new smoking and all. Set a target for each day, we are supposed to take about 7000-8000 steps a day. My pedometer just whispered, "Hypocrite," which is exactly why you want one.
7. Be consistent!
#Fitfam is a lifestyle and requires a complete lifestyle turn around. It really is a conscious effort to get off the sofa, suspend Netflix 'n' chill and actually get active. Having someone who you are accountable to helps a lot as well; someone to stare you down as you open the fridge at midnight; someone to slap your wrist as you reach for that ooze-drippy caramel-ly, chocolatey desert; someone to send you this post, because they love you.
So remember; insta-mentor+ some neon+ junk snobbery+ workout tapes +dinner before 7+ nagging pedometer+ willpower= Emperor Fitfam
Now, if you hate the term #fitfam and you want absolutely nothing to do with them. Read this post again and cover the #fitfam with your pinkie. Once you've done that, buy you some neon colored gym clothes, follow a health entusiast on IG, make some healthy diet changes, buy a pedometer and share this post.
Think Thomas
Thomas also known as Didymus or T.diddy or Doubting Thomas was a disciple of Jesus. Everyone knows him for being the guy with the scowl standing with his arms crossed and his brows matted as he stares down the other disciples, in bible stories. Sometimes, he has a speech bubble extending from his mouth saying, "If I can touch his hands and his sides, then guys, you've got you a believer." It's funny how I've never ever wanted to be Thomas. As a kid, I wanted to be......maybe Philip because I imagined he'd have a short, full tufty beard that glistened in the sun( I don't know why), or Thadeus because his name was cool or Barthelomeow because no one would ever send me to do chores with that type of name. "Barthel'-- never mind, John, please get the door." Never ever did I want to be Thomas. He was the faithless one, the doubter, the one who wasn't perfect because he needed proof. We all turned up our noses at him in Sunday school. I have a significantly sized nose, so me, most of all.
Then last week, a thought hit me as I had tea with Jesus. I came to discover two things: 1) Thomas was me 2) Thomas was special
Let me give you a little background: Jesus had died and risen, along with him rose other dead people** causing the creepiest event in history [Other formerly dead people were seen around Jerusalem; mommies in grave clothes appearing at busstops drinking frappacinos, and other formerly dead people hanging out at the local market and in hot tubs. It was Halloween on steroids.] He also had just made one paranormal appearance to the disciples to show them he was now alive, however, Thomas wasn't there. He was probably somewhere, doubting away.
When Thomas returned, they gave him the gist and they showed him all their selfies with the Master. He folds his arms, mats his brows etc. Then Jesus appears. Again.
Again.
He appeared again. This was a Jesus who had just done the most unbelievable, unachievable thing in the history of the seen and the unseen; he had died for man and risen again. I bet he was scheduled for interviews, lunches, world summits, Ophra must have reopened shop to have him on her show. Parties on rooftops in his honor; angels must have been singing and asking for autographs, God the Papa must have been waiting on tiptoes at heaven's gates for his return. But Jesus put all of that on hold and reappeared, to show Thomas he cared about him, not only at times when he had faith but also when he had doubts.
Whenever your faith is creaky, God doesn't kick you in the sheen. He does everything and anything, including walking through walls and letting you poke his scabs, just so you believe. So don't let anyone turn their significantly sized noses at you when you are weak in faith. You will in no time be strong. Don't think he'd rather hang out with the strong people of faith and no doubters. Just remember He came back for one man. So that he could believe. One man named Thomas.
xx
**Matt 27vs52-53