5 Things to Know When Your Unofficial Girlfriend Is Engaged to Another Guy (2)
In the last post, we tried to pacify the men out there who lost their unofficial girlfriends to a more 'vocal-about-us' type of man. I mean a kind of man who doesn’t wait for her to ask the “What are we?” question; the kind of man who just puts it out there on the table— the words, I mean, a man who in a couple of weeks/months, he puts out a ring on the table too. Then *poof* she’s gone.
You see her proposal on Instagram and since then Chris Brown’s “These **** ain’t loyal” has been on repeat.
Guys, you really have to make your intentions known, 21st century or not, otherwise, it will get conjugal all up in there, and guess who won’t be invited? You!
I’ll be honest, till you put a ring on it, girls these days consider themselves free agents (no thanks to Beyoncé and those two backup dancers, raising the bar for men and expectations for women to where it should be, thanks Bey).
Some men have reported feeling ‘used and dumped’ after this experience. Sigh. We hope you feel better after finding out about all the forces and laws at play, when that whole pseudo-dating thing was going on with you and her. Included also is a possible explanation to the mystery of how she translated so quickly into someone else’s Mrs.
These 5 laws at play are my opinion. If you have more theories, please share below in the comment section! Here we go.....
The Law of Eeny Meeny Miny Mo (aka the Law of Alternatives)
Men, don't you ever think you are the only contender. There’s a legion, for they are many. There are many guys after this girl. If she gave you some of her time and then you left her buffering, leaving her unsure about how you feel about her, wrong move, mate. In every decision making process, alternatives are considered. She got engaged two months after because she had alternatives who were CLEAR about their intentions! You gave her away to the Plan B guy. Tsk!
The Law of Assumption
Men, do not assume because you kissed, you suddenly are exclusive. Nope, means nothing on the long run without an explicit expression of your emotions and intentions. Be explicit, otherwise, you'll find yourself sitting in the back table of her wedding reception with some uninvited strangers stuffing their bags with food.
The Law of Inquiry(or the lack of it)
Girls, if you don't know what's going on. Ask. There's nothing unbecoming about being informed. These aren't the days of Jane Austen, when your mum probably had to ask what the man's plans were. Open your mouth and ask that question : "Are we officially in a relationship or not?". Remember to get an answer and not a stand-by suggestion.
And if he laughs at you for asking the "what are we?" question, you know what it is.
Best time to ask the question, is when he tries to kiss you for the first time. Put your palm in his face and ask what in the world he is doing. “Why are your lips here, bro? What are we?”
Hullup, hullup........
"What are we?"
The Law of the "Sharp guy"
Be advised that the world doesn't stop just because you can't make up your mind, men. No one has the time to waste, not the girl and not the sharp guy who snatched her from you. Ain't nobody got the time, at all. If you refuse to tell her how you feel, she will be engaged in two months.
Na wa o.
I know, right.
The Law of "Not Carrying last"
Girls, be sure that after leaving a guy who has said absolutely nothing about how he feels about you, you don't jump into a rebound relationship. Please be careful to end up with the right person. A marriage proposal doesn’t require you to give a positive response all the time. Take your time, shun society's pressures, familial pressures and Instagram wedding photo-pressures. Eyes off everyone, just do you.
Photo Source
4 Things I wish I knew on Dating Boulevard
It would be so great if we all had a map, compass and a picture of "The One", as we walk down Dating Boulevard (DB); better yet, if we had Google maps and the red pin was where the one was at!
Wouldn't it be bliss, if Dating Boulevard was a ruly, civil road free of crazy people; if it had traffic wardens so we don't get run over by those same crazy people. The interesting thing is we DO have wardens, we just don't pay them any attention; friends, family, even ourselves. Sometimes, your inner self is like "There's something odd about this guy; his long, curly lashes and his slow blink and the way he stares directly into my soul. Careful." Yup, we have self-checks. Then the emotional part of your brain goes,"......*sulk*......But he stares into my soul and give me butterflies and my heart is beating like a jungle drum!!! Rroo ka do ka do goong ka do ka roo doong."
We ignore our warden and then BAM! Curly eyes runs you over with his heartbreak-mobile.
Clearly, this lady has been more successful on DB
I got on dating boulevard pretty early, so I've had my fair share of run-overs. In no time did I realize I had to learn to be street-wise. I had taken a couple of wrong turns, jay-walked aimlessly and ended up at someone else's red pin.
I admit, i did meet some interesting people along the way but still wish i was a bit more savvy. Here are 4 things I wish I knew on Dating Boulevard:
1. Develop your bullshit-o-meter
54% of the time you can tell if a person is being dishonest. Pretty good odds. More than half of the time, you can tell a jerk from a true catch. O, what needless heartbreaks we bare, because we do not develop our bullshit-o-meter. I definitely could have avoided some miss-road situations and curly eyes if I had developed mine. I could have cut them down by 50% ! Pay attention to your wardens.
2. Know when to cut your losses and jaywalk
Hanging on to someone who clearly wants nothing to do with you is an absolute life retardant. If you think about in DB terms, it's actually stalking. Lol. Find someone who makes all effort to make YOU happy and then respond accordingly. Your happiness comes first, look out for yourself. The streets ain't loyal.
3. Do some research on curly eyes
I think one of the most exciting things about dating is the tingling excitement and manic butterfly episodes that happen in our tummies. Still, research and scrutiny are your best friends. Don't try to kill the butterflies, just scrutinize according and keep your own happiness formost. Find out about him, his past. Knowing if he's a serial-heartkiller helps tremendously, don't you think?
4. Let "the one who got away" get-the-heck away!
There's probably some crazy science behind craving the one who got away. Pause while I go find out ---- haven't found anything, if you do, please let us know. Ok, so i seem a little intolerant of the ones who got away. They just tend to do more ruffling than anything else. They confuse and cause unhealthy doses of nostalgia. You keep running into him on every corner of DB. Keep moving. No second glances, no detours, otherwise you run the risk of missing your red pin!
Sometimes the one who got away is a blessing and "away" really is where he belongs!
Any "curly eyes" experiences? How do you (or did you) survive Dating Boulevard? Share with us!
6 Must-haves for Your Wedding Dress Fitting!
Wedding dress shopping!!! One of the most delightful things you'll ever do. You get to swim in endless pools of lace, silk, charmeuse, tulle, velvet (well, hopefully not velvet); you get to be as indecisive and irrational as you want and no one can do anything about it! Enjoy it while it lasts.
When I started my shopping, I wasn't really inexperienced because I had already gone on a pre-proposal wedding dress hunt (feel free to judge, read here). Still, I wish I had a list of things preparing me for my real dress hunt. Here's a little heads up.
After scheduling your visit to a local bridal shop for your fitting, make all necessary preparations to ensure your appointment goes smoothly. Below are 6 must-haves for your shopping experience convenience! Nothing fancy. They will help to simulate your big day as much as possible, so when you find the dress of your dreams and are standing in front of that three-way mirror, you can safely gasp and tell yourself that you aren't too far off from what you envisioned for your wedding day. The only pieces missing would be the groom and the angels singing. Here goes:
A Strapless bra
You will be trying on a ton of styles and if you know anything about wedding dress designers, you'd agree that baring clavicles and shoulders is what they do. Try to avoid bras with straps for the day, it masks the beauty and intent of some styles. Instead, opt for a strapless bra. Some silicon gels would have been splendid but they are very impractical for this because they probably will keep falling off.
A formal mess/Bun
Wear your hair as a formal mess or bun. If your wedding hair style is an updo, show up at your appointment with your hair already in a bun or some form of hair-pin-crazy updo. If you plan to have it down for the wedding, up, might still be ideal for the fitting, we don't want your pretty hair stuck in a zipper.
A pair of Heels
At your appointment, your stylist may ask you if you have your wedding shoes with you. They usually prefer if you do, so they can see if your shoes would work with the length and style of the dress.
If you haven't bought your wedding shoes, take along any pair of heels you think would be the same height as your wedding shoes. If after you read this post, you completely forget all i have said, have no fear, the store stylist will be glad to lend you a pair of heels for the duration of the fitting.
Lenses
If you wear glasses, lose them for the day and stick in some lenses. Remember you are trying to simulate your real day as much as possible. If you have no lenses, forget I said anything. Glasses it is.
[Considering wearing your glasses for your big day, get some inspiration from this beautiful bride i stumbled on! Too adorable.]
Friends
Take a friend or two or three, depending of the allowance of extra guests at the fitting appointment. Make sure, for the appointment, you select friends who have good judgement and are not afraid to tell you to step away from the goose feathered trumpet dress.
Photos
'Auditor' is every bride's second name. Take as many photographs as possible, every angle, every trim of every dress. You will be making yourself a cup of tea and staring at those dresses probably till your screen cracks if you are anything like me. Decisions. Decisions.
Have fun shopping! Share with us your wedding dress shopping experiences!
Thanksgiving Post- Grateful for your Breasts!
Some of us start wearing brassieres from the teeniest AAA cup and then as they get bigger, let's be honest, we get confused somewhere along the line and get stuck using B's and C's.
To add to our confusion, no thanks to rappers and r'n'b singers, we've also come to believe "double D's" are the ideal size for hotness. Of course, making E cups and anything above, cringe worthy, so we stuff our lovelies into D cups and tuck them and pop them and have them spill to the sides, providing little support for our twin girlies.
They deserve so much to be grateful for and appreciated, whether melons or limes. All sizes are magnificently designed by the great creator and all his works are blunder-free!
.....So if you are on your way to a thanksgiving dinner and you have no idea what to say when they start the round-the-table-tell-us-what-you-are-grateful-for turns, just say out loud and confident,' I am grateful for my G cup' and drop the mic!
Yup!
Let's learn to be proud of our bust (bust is so 1920's). Let's learn to love them and care for them. One great way to do that, is to wear the appropriate size of brassieres (1920's encore). Wearing the right bra size is like wearing the right shoe size, it's more comfortable and snug; it provides adequate support for your girls, which ultimately takes the strain off your back. Also, it looks way hotter wearing the right size, a lot like the girl in the photo above. Boobs spilling on the sides, bra clasping way too high just doesn't look that steamy. If you have the opportunity, please get a free bra-fitting in a store (M&S, Soma, V's secret, Rigby and Peller). Otherwise, you can get the chance to find out your bra size later on in this post!
Still on the breast-loving methods, remember to examine your breasts this month. There are a couple of things that shouldn't be done just once a year; ummm.....off the top of my head, thanksgiving and breast exams. They should be habits and those are two great healthy habits to adopt. Trust me.
xx
Never actually had a bra fitting?
Had a bra fitting and can't remember your size?
Had a bra fitting, remember your size but still in denial that you are a size H? 😏 Tuck all doubts away, get your size checked here and make someone uncomfortable at that thanksgiving dinner by being grateful for your size!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Proposal- And she said 'No'
So you are in a restaurant, having dinner with him and the waiter has brought in dessert. You are mildly distracted by a message on your phone. In a moment, your boyfriend is on his knees with an open ring box.
You freeze, other customers are smiling, some are applauding, the waiter is beaming, (probably because he's up for a big tip after you say "Yes".) You look at him(your bf, not the waiter), as in, really look at him....it just doesn't feel right AT ALL. You don't see yourself with him in 50 years or even in 7 months. The answer is a definite "No", but how do you say "No" with all these people watching?
Whoever heard of the girl who said "No?!!!"
Fear not. We have. Well, we are about to; a study shows 1 in every 4 women turn down a marriage proposal. Less than 25% of those women end up regretting that decision. I guess the other 75% were right on the money when they said "No can do, bro."
The study reports that the women just didn't think it felt right; the proposal, the guy...everything. The famous feminine intuition kicked in! These girls were able to see past the unexpected proposal with the glitz, glam and serenading waiter; the glimmering ring and the crowd and say "No."
It's admirable making such a solid decision under so much pressure, understanding that the course of your life hangs on to whether you are "too nice to say No" or "too shy to say Nah-ahn in front of a crowd".
To be honest though, it's awkward saying "No" in public; the guy would probably be traumatized eternally. I guess you could say "Maybe", then a "No" later. Right?
Could you ever say "No" in public to a proposal?
Forget "Love After War", Try This!
Spats, brouhahas, quarrels, disputes, rhubarbs; why do words synonymous with misunderstandings sound so unattractive? Especially brouhaha! It just doesn't sound like something you want to do every night.
The great thing about brouhahas for most people is the "love after war" i.e make-up sex.
Leading to the "love after war", of course, is the fight itself, which primarily consists of extended hours of pouting, frowning, sizzling retorts (which you may later come to regret), frozen-cold shoulders, silent treatments, sulking, well-thought-out speeches, pretend-laughs at memes (smh), calling up random friends to fill the silence, crying (women .......and men alike), cutting remarks etc.
I often wonder, what's the point spending all the time crying and being malicious? What's the point calling friends you don't really want to talk to at the time? No point sulking and doling out hurtful remarks and laughing at memes intentionally till your jaw hurts. One thing I learnt from Lily and Marshal on the show, How I Met your Mother, was, talk and relate during your quarrels, hold hands! Make plans, kiss, even if you are mad at each other! It's the same person you'll be kissing in an hour, so what difference does it make? Honestly, everyone should try it; kissing while upset. It's so weird and probably healthy, like Greek yogurt!
Make-up sex/ "Love After War" has had its day. Love DURING war is in! It's just so much more unnatural and fun. Every bit of you your pride kicks against the idea. It takes ALOT of will-power. It takes a lot of humility and probably a little psychosis, just maybe.
Don't get me wrong, makeup sex is great! What's even more interesting is love during war. I haven't made my point but you get it anyway! Greek yogurt.
Anyone into Love During War? Ever tried kissing while upset? Comment below!
xx
Letters to my Great-Granddaughter: Sexual Dividends(#TBT)
Dear Charly,
"Any man who truly loves you will wait for you." This was what my mum told me. We had heard that so many times and no one was listening (being in the new millennium and all, Woohoo Y2K! Ultra-throwback). It was year 2000 and all everyone wanted to do was have sex before the world ended.
Me, I was a mama's girl (rarer than the famed "mama's boy" ), I actually listen to my mother (sometimes). Of course, I pretend like I don't and give her a good argument, but I do listen. Anyway she had given me this bit of perspective when I was about to start dating. This consequently meant I didn't have to have sex if I didn't want to. It meant, I control the sexing in every relationship (not the guy) and if I didn't want to, no guy was going to pressure me and sulk his way into my awesomely lacy underwear. This was great! This truly was the key to dating, I could date as many men as possible and not be called a slut. I would find my ideal emotionally mature man, intellectually stimulating, crazy fun, people/ family lover, a bit of a foodie and adventurous. And *drumroll* I didn't have to invest any sex! It was genius (partly because I was icky about getting all body “fluid-y” with several men. One, was really all I needed).
This is not an instructional letter. Today, I’ll just tell you how it is and what I did. It’s completely up to you to decide.
First thing to know, Charly, is this: SEX is an INVESTMENT.
Investment
/ɪnˈvɛs(t)m(ə)nt /
noun.
An act of devoting time, effort, or energy to a particular undertaking with the expectation of a worthwhile result:(Oxford dictionary)
Sex requires devotion of time, effort and energy (if you are doing it right anyway); Shave, wax, lingerie (dolly, kinky, lacey, silky), kegels, sext, contraception (patch, pill, sponge, needle), condom (ribbed, not ribbed, latex, non- latex), Lube , imagination, spontaneity (car, shower, alley, basement), mental-winding on days you really don't want to. All these, with the expectation that he will find me awesomely wonderful and eternally indispensable, that he would be unable to imagine his existence without me and pop the question one day! This was the "worthwhile" result.
What were the odds that this would occur? How many guys would I have to have sex with before I finally got one who would pop the question? Would sex guarantee me a proposal or at least something steady? I really had no idea and I am not one to take random risks. This is where forty hours of my risk analysis and management class kicks in. I wasn't ready to invest sex into any relationship that wouldn't yield superb, tangible and sustainable results. True, I had needs. You probably do too (as much as I’d like to believe you don’t, being my little Great grand daughter and all). This wasn't about needs. It was about whether at 35 years old, I’d still be creeping out of a random guy’s room at 4 AM doing the walk of shame, or even worse I’d wake up in mine and he’s gone.
I decided. No sex. True, we’d make out. Up-against-the-wall-furniture-shifting make-outs (I didn't tell you this). However, no sex. If he did love me, he’d have to wait in line while I analyzed the relationship and its potential for growth. So with my perfect man criteria in place (mentioned above), I created a timeline:
Month 1: Meet boy (no sex)
Month 2-5: Get to know boy (no sex) aka probation period
This was the most intense time; the probation period. The main activity was research; his family, his Exes. Does boy have a drinking problem, cheating history, anger issues? Does boy need sex for this relationship? Is boy willing to wait till we are married? If he is, well, good for him, he could channel his sexual energy into hunting or some other activity. This was usually always the most sexually tense period. It wasn’t easy but you know what else isn’t easy? Getting over a breakup with a guy you were sleeping with. I had to be focused.
Month 6: Dating (No sex)
Probation extension. I have standards. Do not fall short, boy.
Month 7/8: (No sex)
At this point, the relationship is probably strained from too many fights and no sex. Muhahaha. Boy begins to come undone. Boy and I. On the brink of bliss or disaster.
Month 9: (No sex)
Tsktsk. Boy has cheated. Boy is acting up. Flirting with anyone and everyone. Boy thinks I'm oblivious.
Month 10: Goodbye, boy. On to the next.
Ten months. Difficult but effective. Heads up, just in case you try to do this, this won’t work if you are idle. Be busy at school, work, community projects, church. Do not trust will-power. My will has its strengths but resisting physical intimacy isn't one of them. I had to aid my will by selecting men appropriately and by self-branding (Dating and Business school really are connected!). He had to understand what I was about and know for certain that the sex thing was not off and on the table. It was off, far off.
I'm no super- woman here, I invented it because it makes sense and I had to protect myself……. from myself. I am my own greatest specialist in joy- sabotage.
Another reason I listened to mama was the fear of ending up with the wrong man, who I couldn't let go of because I felt attached to him. That would be selling myself short! I had seen it too many times. My train of thought usually was: If I meet him, have sex with him, then discover he's no good but I can't leave him because sex and its hormones make me feel bonded to him, tied to him, then I’d be in a pickle. An avoidable pickle (those are the worst pickles). Oxytocin, vasopressin and endorphins; the hormones of deception. They collectively make you feel attached to the guy, like there’s something monogamous about what you just did, helps you feel secure, soothes you and binds you. I guess in retrospect, the only reason older people tell you not to have sex is because of the effect of those darn hormones and the false sense of security they bring.
So Charly, if you have never had sex before and you plan to wait till you are married, make sure you have a good reason for doing so (told you all of mine). If you started already, humour me and try the ten month trial period on a guy. Let’s see if he makes it to month five.
Love,
Greatgran x
This post was previously published on our old space, feistyphi
Abi's Story | Married to a Jerk
Nabal, i think, might have been the most notable jerk in the bible, other than Judas, of course. Nabal was also married to one of the coolest girls ever recorded- Abigail. I mean, for David to have married her as a widow, it must have meant she was pretty cool or she was severely endowed. Endowed with whatever made David tick....probably, virtue........Yeah, right! Grin.
If you don't know the story, you could read it here. I had always imagined David marrying Abigail because he pitied her, because she was old and raggedy with creases on her face, cloaked in grey; because no one else would want her. That was not the case, the bible actually says she was quite the hottie and when the bible calls you a hottie, you best believe.
Unfortunately, she was stuck with this less-than-desirable man, Nabal.
It was a typical "How-did-a-beautiful-girl-like-you-end-up-in-a-dump-like-this?" situation. What makes the story unique is the familiarity of the situation. We all know an Abigail; one girl stuck in a "dump-like-this", stuck with a fool. It happens all the time.
Abi, somehow makes dump-situations quite promising, mainly because she ends up with David, another hottie. Most importantly, Abi makes this life of hers a bit more bearable by making the best of her dumpy-situation, without ever imagining she would ever come out of it. Sometimes, we think we are in bad situations and so we'd have to live dreary, miserable lives where we mope all day or distract ourselves with social media or Game of Thrones. She was very aware of Nabal's folly and its potential for impending doom and was able to manage it very well.
I think there are many things to be learnt off this woman, whether we are married or single; dating or not, dating fools or not, married to Nabals or not. She wasn't just a pretty face, not at all, she was endowed, like i said with so many "virtues". On a more serious note, here are 6 things to learn from this girl, Abigail. Here they are below:
1. She was very prepared for NABAL's stupidity
It would appear Nabal did stuff like this often enough, so, at some point she must have acquired wisdom and would counter his folly often and swiftly. He was rude and literally a fool. It's sad to think people like that exist, even worse to think amazing women are stuck with them. Get wisdom and get understanding. They are the most universal currency you'd ever know. They would save your life and set you on the path to destiny, in Abi's case, her wisdom set her on the path to becoming queen.
2. She was approachable to her servants
The servants could talk to Abi. She wasn't stuck up and lofty. By contrast, Nabal was. His servants called him a brute and called him unapproachable. Our subordinates should find us approachable, not perceive us as the kings and queens of tyranny. Take care of people in lower ranks and be friends with them. They may save your hide and hook you up, again, with destiny.
3. SHE DID NOT PROCRASTINATE NEITHER WAS SHE A G.O.T FAN!
Not kidding, if that was me, David might have killed us all. I might have said to the servant who reported the situation to me, "You do realize, Game of thrones is on right now. I'll go and meet this David person right after I find out if Jon Snow is dead for real." She did not procrastinate or take situations lightly. She was also quite informed about David and she knew he was an fugitive. She had probably seen him on TV. I guess that means we should watch the news and not just GOT.
4. She sent the servants ahead with the food
Dang, this girl though. She sent the food first. Your gift makes a path for you. This shows us not to be stingy, to know how food pacifies people (yup) and how to deliver gifts (with humility). Then she appeared right after the food had been delivered, probably not too bad looking either. She was the dessert.
Was that too much?
She was the dessert though....eventually.
5. She saw david's potential
Note these were David's broke days, like Chris Gardner (In Pursuit of Happiness kinda broke). David's hustle was too real but she saw he would be great, despite it. She saw substance and potential. She wasn't clairvoyant, she saw because she had substance too! She wasn't superficial or drawn to wealth, maybe she used to be and ended up with Nabal and now had come realize that money couldn't buy many things (in the case of Nabal, common sense). Her values had probably evolved with depth, as should ours.
6. She spoke into his life (ok, officially my fave girl in the bible)
Abi spoke into David's life and he literarily burst into a song and began to praise God. That's deep and you need to think about that. She spoke words of life into his being and evoked praise from him.
Now looking at Ed while he's asleep and I'm thinking about speaking words into his life even as he sleeps. Maybe tomorrow while he's awake. Nope, I'm going to do it right now.
Speak life into his being.
xx