Hark, all!
Hey!!!
So I fell off the face of the planet but now I am back. I have been working on so many new projects including moving to a new apartment, rediscovering my new crush for J-bae (also known as Jesus), building a new blog. Yup, i said it! We will be moving to a new domain. A new blog. A new space and there is more than enough room for us all. I am so excited! I have been unable to eat or sleep because of all the awesomeness coming up. I'm kidding, of course, i have been eating. In fact, i am eating right now.
So hold your breaths because it's coming soon. Thank you to all my readers, all the support and encouragement. And thank you to my silent readers, even though you never comment...lol...i know you are out there and i appreciate you.
The blog is set to be up before the end of September! And you will be the first to know when it's up!
Please let me know if there's something you'd like to see on the new space; a new category or series!
Here's to new things, to old ones too and to the silent readers!
Myth Buster: Marriage = Oatmeal sex
- Make sex a priority. Toss the sex schedule. Better yet populate the schedule a bit more. Saturday and Sunday mornings are available.
- Switch up the positions! There are several apps in the Apple store, Blackberry world and Google play. Thank me later.
- Don't get lazy with the kegels now! Here's a link to check out how to do it right. (Psst! Men, kegels can improve sexual performance! Link for you too.)
- Lights on, drapes up or down! Preferably down. The day I saw my neighbors will never leave my head...*shivers* .The lights help visual stimulation and helps to highlight all flabs, handles and tuft. Which is good because that drives you right to the gym and to the wax table.
- Underwear. I'm beginning to sound like a broken record. Buy some.
- Ask and find out what the other person likes.
- Not everytime the bed. Try the minivan. Enough said.
Daddy Issues
I once witnessed a new dad, pick up his new baby-boy and stare at him in the most unusual way. He didn’t smile or coo at his baby. He didn’t try to put his forefinger in baby’s vice-clenched fist. He just stared at him, expressionless. It wasn’t a stolen moment between father and progeny. It was an unrestricted instant of unguarded fellowship, to which I was a welcome intruder, nothing was exclusive, it wasn’t a bonding moment; nothing was intimate.  |
| Get over it and be like this guy! I'm kidding. But seriously though, this guy. |
Long Distance Relationships: That Sweet Safe Spot
About 10 minutes into your long distance relationship (LDR), you’d quickly come to realize that your new location seems to be inundated with exceptionally attractive members of the opposite sex! There's one next door, one standing next to you on the bus, one at work, church too, one in class, one at the store, one at someone's 70th birthday celebration (they are everywhere, especially the most unexpected, dull places). Some of these people you probably wouldn’t notice if your significant other (sig-other for short) was near. Well, sig-other is not near and you do notice.
This sudden awareness of other people, might be just a heightened sensitivity to the void left by sig-other. In other words, you are lonely and probably a little needy……physically, which is totally expected.
However, let's just put it out there, you are expected to remain within the bounds of honesty, which is required by your relationship and also to remain within the bounds of your clothing, if you know what i mean. It's easy to say and much less easy to achieve.
So imagine, you are at your friend's aunt's 70th birthday party (beware of those "harmless" parties). You were willing to go because, well, you had absolutely nothing else to do or because you are miserable about your new LDR status and this couldn't be any worse. Anyway, whatever your reason, there you are at this elderly gathering and then you see this really good-looking girl (who we can call I.D). You notice I.D and move on. After the party, your friend tells you he gave I.D your number because she asked for it.
You panic a little, being the careful boyfriend that you are. And then you self-pacify and tell yourself I.D won't call. Surprise!
I.D calls. It's friendly and casual. You tell her you will keep in touch but you tell yourself you won't. You also conveniently forget to tell her you have girlfriend because it's "too much information" for a first "friendly" conversation. You
do
keep in touch with I.D (if you haven't figured it out yet, I.D is short for Inevitable Disaster).
Something tells you you should tell your sig-other but you consider this trivial. Nothing dramatic ever comes out of casual acquaintanceship. An LDR is not prison, you are allowed to have friends, friends like I.D, you tell yourself.
In our LDR, we did have a sizable number of I.Ds. Aware that we were both human and admitting that promptly, we faced reality squarely. No one is immuned to slip ups, least of all LDRers. Also let me say this now, there will be attractions, like i said, heightened sensitivity to the void and all, and also because you are human and you don't live in a cave as a hermit. I tried living as a hermit once to avoid attractions but that didn't work out. These things have a way of finding you even in hiding. Lol!
So how did we deal with crushes and attractions in a long distance relationship? One word.
Transparency;
the quality of being transparent.
Transparent
/transˈperənt/
adjective
Having thoughts , feelings or motives that are easily perceived.
Being easily perceived is a little difficult in an LDR, so being transparent needs a little bit of effort here. It's more active than passive and it requires a certain amount of vulnerability and honesty.
So here's the fun part.
What we did was to be honest about developing attractions and crushes, if there were any at all. And there might have been one or two.
“Are you crazy?” I hear you saying, “Why would I tell sig-other that I am attracted to someone else? That's LDR suicide.”
And
you are right! It is suicide if not managed properly. Which brings me to constructive transparency. It's not just ok to be transparent but rather
to be
constructively transparent.
This would mean being verbally honest with your motives and actions with your sig-other, with the intent of ensuring your relationship is successful both on the long run and short run. Of course, this includes being open to each other about I.Ds and undercover I.Ds (the ones who pose as your friends) and any other new happenings that might impact the relationship adversely or otherwise. Doing this creates a safe spot in your relationship that fosters honesty and pinches off budding insecurities.
As you eat your take-away cake from the 70th birthday celebration, you contemplate telling sig-other about I.D. There is 60% chance this would end in a fight, but isn't it worth it on the long run?
What would you do? Would you tell sig-other?
Please drop your comments below!
P.s : This is a safe spot! Say it as it is. x
Disclaimer: not every relationship is nuts enough to do this but every relationship should ensure the purest form of honesty it has the ability to attain.
Letters to my Greatgrand-daughter: Awesome in 30 seconds!!!!!
Dear Charly,
There are a couple of words I hope you never hear; words like Ethnic cleansing, words like hate crimes, like caste-violence and racism. I hope you never see #blacklivesmatter, #arabuprising and #bringbackourgirls except in history. I hope you don’t live in a society where the muslim guy is avoided or the man with the collar is scorned and called a pedophile. I hope you live in a society that doesn’t stare at you strangely because of the kink of your hair. I hope your society genuinely embraces diversity and doesn’t stare at foreigners in disgust. I hope your society is void of that woman on the train who suddenly gets up and screams, “Go home” to the exhausted Tamil man miles from home in search of better opportunities.
Those are my hopes for the society. For you, I hope you read this letter often enough. I hope you are a person who doesn’t crumble under societal pressures, i hope you aren’t a victim, better yet, I hope you don’t allow yourself to be a victim. I hope if they call you names, they just slide right off. I hope you are able to conduct yourself in a manner that is able to model who we are.
For you, i have these hopes but also i have some words.
First, ensure that you understand your environment and the society in which you live in, Charly. Why? Because your society is constantly trying to understand you. Crazy and inpalpable as it might sound, your society (which is made up of people) is aware of your presence and is constantly evaluating your significance in the grand scheme of things.
When people look at you, they will make a mental judgement in less than 30 seconds.
They judge you, and not through any fault of their own,really, but because of the natural God-given ability to make deductionsfrom limited information provided by your apparent persona. The human brain is able to process on average, 40 thoughts per minute; in 30 seconds, a stranger will have at least 15 thoughts about you, even if he doesn’t consciously register your face.
Yes, that’s what the human brain does, it judges.
Imagine you are standing at a pedestrian crossing and a lone man looks up in your direction from his seat at an outdoor cafe. His eyes rest on you for less than a minute. He is deep in thought and notices you but his gaze doesn’t linger. He has on a subconscious polite smile as his eyes go back to his newspaper.
Words like “black” would pop into his brain. Whatever he associates black with, will quickly be indexed beside your face in his head. Words like "happy". Words like “cleavage” (your cleavage better not be out, young lady, lol. seriously *straight face*), there aren’t too many words that can be associated with cleavage and we all know the first one. Right next to your face. Words like "slouch" would probably trigger the words "lazy" and "lethargic".You want to make a good impression always; every single waking moment. As a woman, the world probably takes you less seriously than they would care to admit, before you accept defeat and curl up into the mould they already set for you as tepid, inadequate and inept. Understand this -
you
are what
you
decide
you
are.
Never ever settle for less than you can be.
Here are the words you want them to think in that space of 30 seconds:
Achiever
Determined
Driven
Principled
Mysterious
Unusual
Talented
Intelligent
Fun
Ambitious
Responsible
Competent
You want his brain to re-echo them. You want to command respect in all situations, in all languages and in every geographic location. You want them to spend their 30 seconds meaningfully. Give them something to write home about. Literally, let the man outside the cafe say, "I saw a young woman today and she held my attention and my respect and she didn’t even have to say a word or bare a thigh to do it!" In your own way and style, be awesome and remarkable in 30 seconds.
I wish we didn’t have to try so hard. However, history preceded us and ultimately left us with an opportunity (not a disadvantage but an opportunity) to rebrand ourselves the best way we know how and now everyday with our exquisite mien and dignified aura we will rewrite history, one man-outside-the-cafe at a time.
Love,
Greatgran x
My Marvelous Eight. For Tosin Famakinwa (nee Phillips)
Yesterday, I stared glassy eyed at the barista as he made my hot chocolate. My throat was itchy and i knew I was going to cry if he said anything to me, however casual. He smiled at me and said something which my brain failed to acknowledge. Then he repeated it. Then he repeated it again. I couldn’t hear him, I couldn’t see him, my tears brimmed and clouded my vision and my sunglasses didn’t help either. Then his forehead creased and he asked, “Are you ok?”, clearly concerned. I smiled back at him and half nodded, half shook my head. Then the tears came.
I’m not always this emotional at the very sight of hot chocolate. You see, recently, I lost someone with whom I built thousands of childhood memories. She was very spirited. Very. I remember her little arms flaying and wrapping around me and shoving me through her front door, enthusiastic about what she had planned for the day—whatever it was 8 year-olds have planned for the day. Lol.
Her cheeks dimpled eagerly and always preceded her smile. It was almost like those adorable cheek pits were the warning that announced her wide toothy smile. Her face just plain lit up. It was contagious, that smile.
Whenever I saw her dad’s white car from my window, i’d run down the stairs bounding over three-at-a-time, out the door, up the drive way, out the gate and into her wide arms and then we’d dance around, like the silly kids we were. It was a wonderful period of my life and all I remember is a lot of sunshine and squeals. We were 8 year-old's and if you had the opportunity of a pleasant friend at 8, you'd know what I mean.
I’m pretty sure most Saturdays of my 8th and 9th year were spent with her. Now trying to remember what we spent our Saturdays doing; we played FLAMES!!!!! Who remembers that? You'd write your name above and the name of a boy beneath and cross out the letters you had in common, whatever was left was used to know your romantic situation. Lol! She taught me to always add the middle name, it made the experiment more weighty. Lol! Then, we played Name-Place-Animal-Thing. Yes, we were intellectual 8 year-old's. It was about paper, pens and text for us, albeit unscholarly. Then we'd play Life or Monopoly or Elewenjewe*! Then eat! She was a great foodie. It takes a certain kind of person to genuinely appreciate every bite of her meal; every flavor, individual and blended. Then we'd read a couple of Sweet valleys or Enid Blyton's.
I would laugh at her scrawny writing and the precision with which she'd etch each curve and stick, like each word was a work of art that would earn an approving nod from Monet. She would laugh at the fact that I called a television— Telly. She was funny and vibrant, she had a good heart and you could see it from a mile. I haven't seen her in a while but I remember her heart and that's good enough for my memories.
Then one day, just a couple of days back, she left. She just left. I'm not going to whine about how she didn't say bye or how this is goodbye or isn’t. I am honored to have shared my pure, formative years with you,Tosin. In heaven, we'd chill by the Fanta Chapman river and play Life again or cards. #teamelewenjewe. Lol.
I love you, Tosin.
Thank you for painting "8" irrevocably marvelous.
13 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.14 For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.15 According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep.16 For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first.17 After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever.18 Therefore encourage one another with these words.
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18New International Version (NIV)
*Elewenjewe: let's just call it that endless card game
Long Distance Relationships: Flat tires and Black cats
A Long distance relationship (LDR) is no one’s dream come true. No little girl dreams of becoming a princess in a long distance relationship in a kingdom far, far away! LDRs have no place in a fairytale plot.
LDRs also aren’t the ideal material for any chic-flick or romantic comedy, no producer would touch it with a ten-foot pole! I honestly can’ t think of any chic-flick which actually focused on a LDR for a full 1 hour, 32 minutes. Typically in a chick flick, boy meets girl, boy and girl STAY in the same city. Sometimes, they even live in the same apartment complex! Then they fight and eventually, they make up somewhere in the rain (think “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”) because they are in the SAME city. However, life does tend to deal you crazy cards and you have to make the most of the hand you are dealt. In the last post on LDR, we established the “suckiness" of LDR, I was finally able to complain about my noisy neighbors and then proceeded to highlight a couple of LDR benefits, so to speak.
So, what do we do when dealt the LDR card? Most people throw in the towel before it even starts. This might be because of the high fail rate of LDRs. 40% of all LDRs fail, that’s 2 in 5. This is not to scare you but to help you realize the importance of hard-work, strategy and a continuous improvement plan. Lol, i know i sound hard-core right now, but your relationship is important and deserves all I got.
I personally think many long distance relationships fail because the relationship was neither
duly assessed before beginning an LDR journey,nor set for a final destination.
So quick analogy, imagine your relationship is a car. Mentally choose a favorite car depending on your honest perception of your relationship. If it’s a Toyota Prius, then let it be a Toyota Prius. If it’s a 2015 CLS Merc, then you shouldn’t be here. Lol. I’m kidding, but you are obliged to leave the secret of your success in the comments below.
For us, we were like a 2008 BMW 3-series with a couple of scratches and panel-beaten dents but sturdy still. Before the LDR commenced, we had decided the destination of our BM was marriage.
Now I’m not saying if your relationship is not slotted for a spot at the altar, then it’s doomed. We had to have the “destination conversation” first before we decided. Most people don’t know where their relationship vehicle is going, and that's OK! However, what's important is knowing the state of the car and setting a destination, however transient. This can only be done when both parties honestly evaluate the relationship and its chances of survival together. A destination doesn't have to be marriage, it could be “Let’s take it one day at a time but I will be here next year” or it could be “Let’s work our hardest at staying together”. Whichever one it is, it's a great idea to let your partner know your frank thoughts to be able to put a great LDR management plan in effect. Hard-core again. *Grin*
During out LDR, there were a lot of pit-stops and refueling, we had to visit as much as we could afford, to keep the engine running. We also had flat tires and got stranded on the side of the road sometimes!!! The flat-tire situations are a form of communication stagnancy. Heads up, it just happens unexpectedly, like a flat. Communication is flat and dragging, might sound a little like this:
You
: Hey, how was your day?
BF/GF
: Good, yours?
You
: Good.
Silence.
Crickets
. Silence.
Don’t freak out like I did. Just alert your partner, in a non-accusing, calm manner. Straight and simple, "Hey Hun, our conversations are a little monotonous. What do you think?"
No point patching it up or trying to make excuses. There's a time for making excuses, like if your partner has intense responsibilities at the time, e,g exams. When you have a flat, speaking up saves a great deal of time, then, as a team, you figure out how to fix the communication flat. There's always something to talk about. Your new TV addiction. Game of thrones (did anyone watch the last episode! That realm is crazy,yo!). A new acquaintance. What you did all day. Even the neighbor’s crazy black cat that jumps on you every time you come home (that cat was a pain, I was certain it had a book on how to creep me out).
By now you should know the kind of car you are. Be realistic with the dents and scratches too (gives your relationship character) . If the car isn't as great as you'd like it to be, the great thing is that you can actually have it traded in for a better one! I'm beginning to sound so American right now. LOL. I had to resist saying the word "gas" in place of "accelerator". So back to trading it in... You can. How? First by telling your partner your perception of your relationship in car terms….…you can imagine that would only work if he/she has read this post so send it to him/her! Once you both come to an understanding of the true state of the relationship, then you can recreate your relationship by working on the areas that need work.
What kind of car is your relationship?
What's the destination on your GPS?
Are you content with the state of things?
Remember to service your car!
Remember fix your flats!
Remember that dents and scratches aren't a bad thing! They show strength, character and resilience.
If you are in a LDR or have been in one, please leave a comment below!
Photos: Favim.com, iamgarcade.com
Out with the aged skivvies!
My friend recently got married, moved into an amazing apartment- wooden floors, with an incredible stream of natural light and a light cinnamon fragrance in the air.
Beyond the perfection and the chirping birds, beyond the pine wood floors and the dessert-tinged ambiance of her home, carefully tucked away, deep in her luggage was her beat-up "panties of condemnation." You know, the "drawers of doom", "the deformed briefs beyond reform",
you know those 5-year old COMFORTABLE, threadbare, tired pair of cotton briefs with amazing coverage but a less flattering view. There it was... stashed in her luggage.
So she sneaks this panties into her new home and is in stark denial about its state. Trust me, it's a wreck. Lol. She doesn't wear it too often, being a new bride and all. But on those days when she couldn't be bothered, she throws 'em on.
Her husband, of course, would want nothing more than to see it burn. He tried several times to "make them go away" but she'd always notice, as you would if someone tried to take away your fav underwear.
The plot thickens. She then discovers her husband has a pair of boxers just as ancient. Faded and stressed are the best ways to define them. She adds to her denial, justification; he had one, she had one, end of story.
Eventually, they both realize how much they can't stand each other's contraband. The couple agree to let go and have a toss-out day when they throw out their ancient loin cloths. Miserable and in denial, they are still yet to set a date for the toss-out.
To encourage "Toss-out day", my suggestion was for them to go underwear shopping!
Shopping is always a good idea, though she still looked longingly at her dear underwear. I encouraged her saying, at least she would have brand new ones which she would start to enjoy once they were broken-in and get holes. Her husband also gets to enjoy the new underwear benefits. He also gets to go underwear shopping which for men is uneventful and probably involves the sofa, a PC and Amazon. For us girls, a little more preparation is required. I recently went on a toss-out shopping trip myself. Here's a couple of stuff to keep in mind while planning the trip:
First, start your work-out routine like two months before (if you aren't a regular). Works your abs, arms, some lunges and squats too. It's only right that you are pleased with yourself in the dressing room mirror.
Second, that wax we talked about.
Third, ask the attendant for help. Some of them really know what they are talking about.
Get a mix of styles; some comfy boy-shorts, frilly stuff (not to be worn under body-con dresses), some lace Brazilian cuts, some no VPL briefs (no visible pant lines) to prevent pant lines, some thongs (if those works for you), some groin-strings...... also known as g-strings. Lol. Groin-strings (who knew that was the full name?! Not so sexy anymore, aye?)
Get a few matching sets; different colors. Polka dots. Print. Stripe. Leather (if that's your thing).
Lastly, ensure the crotch area is cotton as recommended by physicians. Hopefully, "out with the old skivvies, in with the new underthings" works for my friend.
Have you been successful in getting rid of your adored intimates? Give my friend a tip below...
Weird facts about underwear....
1. In the Edwardian/Victorian age, women wore crotchless underwear. It was considered improper to wear anything that covered the crotch. (This really took Downton Abbey to another level for me. I'll never be able to look at Granny Grantham the same)
2. It's hygienic to have a cotton crotch on your panties (whether you are into silk or leather, make sure it has a cotton crotch lining....unseen stuff go on down there)
3. The average underwear lifespan for a woman is 7 years; a man, 8 years
4. Your underwear determines your mood which brings us to #5
5. Women who wear g-strings are apparently more confident
"Groin-strings."
Have a great weekend! x
Long Distance Relationships: Aayo, I'm Tired of using Technology!
Long Distance Relationships (LDRs) suck! There's simply no other way to properly qualify the experience. It sucks. Think of something that sucks.... sucks even more than that.
In deep frustration and annoyance, you decide to go for a walk. As you step out of your front door, the first thing you see; two people making out in an alley. Great, how generous of them to share their intimacy with the rest of the universe. After the walk, you get back home and thankfully, the alley lovers are gone. You feel yourself give in to gravity as you fall on your bed. For a minute, there is silence and you can hear yourself think. You think about calling back to resolve the issue but connection is still bad, no thanks to your internet provider. Somewhere on the borders of the silence, you hear something. It's faint but certain. Rhythmic and steady. Creaking noises coming from upstairs.
The neighbors again.
Soon, sounds which you could honestly live without join the rickety chorus. You plug your ears with your cheap earphones to block out the moaning and creaking. At that very second, as the sounds get louder, you promise yourself a pair of noise cancellation headphones.
LDR......... trust me, it sucks.
Ten things (plus one) you didn't know About Men!!!!
A couple of weeks back, I wrote a post about ten things (plus one) to know about girls with different body types (read here). Who knew skinny girls were less fussy about size. Hehe.
Today, it's the guys' turn! Men, these are just pure scientific fun findings, let those guards down. You may even love science just a little bit more after this. Girls, prepare to be shocked by #1(if you didn't already know) and #3. Everyone should read this list........you know, just in case you get dumped because of #9 or #3 is your reality.Here goes......
1.Men with big bellies last longer!
Girls, Yes indeed. Think about all the men you turned down because they bore no resemblance to Idris Elba or Adam Levine or the Hemsworth brothers. Haha. The bellies scorn thee.
Men with big bellies have a higher level of a hormone known as estradiol, which helps them last longer than their ripped compadres.
2.Short men (shorter than 5"7) tend to have stable marriages
Way to go, Short men!!! They also have a lower chance of getting cancer. However, they tend to do less house chores. Tut-tut-tut, short men, just when you were becoming our favorite.
3. The average age of his boxers is eight years!
Lol! Eight years. That's like two presidential terms!!! Men, if you have underwear from the time Blair, Bush, Chirac, Obasanjo were in power....do the needful.
4. Men who prefer big bums tend to be business majors
....And so it's no longer a mystery what those business-major guys are doodling on their notes during Accounting class. Men who like big bums (and they can not lie) are also seen to be organized and tidy. They are dependent in their relationships.....
5. .....While men who prefer smaller bums are great project executioners
This men see their projects through. Good job, men who prefer smaller bums! They do not to seek public approval and are less fanatical about sports.
6. Men with mustaches are more likely to be hired
Studies show that men with mustaches tend to be more reliable. Employers therefore, hire them 8.2% more than their beardy mates and 4.3% more than their clean shaven pals.
Tell that to Frank Donga.
7. Men with beards are perceived to be the epitome of masculinity.
Little wonder that men who struggled with growing a beard since the beginning of the NO SHAVE November rave, have opted for beard transplants!
I didn't even know that was a thing.
Bearded men are associated with power, leadership, maturity and women see them as better providers. In fact, a study shows that women tend to associate beards with the ability to provide for them during pregnancy [Women sure think light years ahead].
8. How to get the girl? Wear a pink shirt!
Men who are comfortable wearing pink happen to be better educated, make more money and get the girls' attention! Who knew? So to really get the girl, grow a huge beard, grow a belly and wear a pink shirt. And throw out old underwear. Please.
9. Poor men like bigger breasts
Studies suggest they may be trying to compensate for any "resource insecurity" they might have. I think I'll let the scientists have the final words here. Oh, yeah they also love sports.
10. Men who wear briefs might be stuck in their childhood
Briefs. Superheroes. Superman. Ninja Turtles. Don't. Why? Tight. Heat. Daddy-pants. Wear boxer briefs instead. It's close enough. 11. Men who prefer small breasts tend to be Engineers!
This study showed that men who preferred smaller frontal lady-lumps were nuturant in their relationships and indefinite about their careers paths.
They also happen to be mainly engineers.
Gotta love Science......
Share with someone who you are certain would laugh first and then protest to these findings an hour later.
Have a great weekend! x
Sources
http://www.inquisitr.com/1865600/scientific-study-characteristics-of-men-breasts-butts/http://thoughtcatalog.com/amanda-chatel/2015/04/sorry-guys-studies-show-beards-may-be-going-out-of-style/
http://www.webmd.com
http://www.menshealth.com
http://www.salon.com/2010/09/08/turkish_sex_study_bmi_male_performance_open2010/
http://www.salon.com/2013/08/17/9_weird_facts_about_breasts/
http://www.thegloss.com
1: The Tale of the Gidi Prince (Inspired by True Life Events)
Once upon a time, in the year 2015, on a coastal metropolitan city far far away, known as Lagos (aka Gidi), lived a wealthy prince. The prince was the most handsome in the land (or so he thought) and had slain many a foe and fought many battles (on his PS 4). 
Was it true there was a Debonaires on the mainland? Maybe this adventure wouldn't be so bad after all.The Best of Old Wives' Tales for New wives
For ages, people have come up with deeply erroneous marriage advice, that if you ask me, might just be one of the reasons for the high divorce rates out there.
This is a list of rules that have gone round for so long and no one has called them out. Well, this is why I am here. To call stuff out! If this is what marriage is, well no wonder people are so unhappy. I tried a couple of them while I was dating.....extremely poor results, I tell you. It's like the wrong twin of the "pre-nuptial hunt" post (read here).
As you read this list, remember to read it out loud in the theatrical way you know it would be said, complete with your hands on your waist. O, yeah and grunt occasionally.
Here goes!
Have a wonderful weekend!
But the main question is this.................... "Is he a goat?"
#2 If you inspect and scrutinize his messages, emails and bank statements you will catch the slightest whiff of infidelity
This will eventually result in you in the hospital with a ventilator. And a defibrillator for good measure.
#3 If you keep him out of the kitchen, he will be more of a man
#6 Be wary of his family, otherwise, they will turn him against you and you won't even know (lol!)First, of all who is "they"?
Second, who cares what they think?
Third, I see you wearing these recommendations...how are those working out for you?
#9 If he doesn't make you happy, just take care of your children, when they are older, focus on the grandchildren
This could easily be rephrased as "Wait for him to die".Do you know any old wives tales?! Drop them below!!!
About me
I love the color red and choose my sport teams based on the color -----red
I love coffee shops but I DO NOT drink coffee----- ever.....
This is my favorite jacket.
Seriously, this jacket...
I do silly.....
.....at least six times a day....
...even in my jacket....(I was poised for silly in this picture)
I love to read
I read my blog more than the average blogger reads theirs...(more for self-critisism than narcissism)
I read the Love, Flicker, Burn posts (aka the Tiide posts) like everyone else and exclaim like everyone else and I ask "Why won't this feistyfiona just put it all up at once?!...like everyone else.
I recently became able to pet dog's of strangers...was completely incapable before...
I am very brave.........
...but I also like to observe from a safe distance lol
I smile at strangers and sometimes, they smile back
I have an imaginary cava-poo named
Tulio
. He's Italian.
*imaginary image*
I love food!
Restaurants make my ideal backdrop.....
..............the sea too
I can't dance to save my life. I'd have to be pardoned for whatever offence...
My kitchen never runs out of Olive oil...
............and fruit
I have been in love for over eight years. This is the reason why I giggle to myself sporadically in public.
I love Jesus Christ. He makes me new and shiny, everyday.
Now you know me a little more...I would like to know my readers too! Write something absolutely random about yourself below (Yes, even I do know you personally!)
And remember to follow on Instagram @
!!!
Letters to my greatgrand daughter: The Rolex effect
Dear Charly,
Someone once said, "
direction
is so much more important than
speed
. Many are going nowhere, fast."
Instant coffee. Fast food. Attention spans of eight seconds. ATMs. Quickies. These are features of the world I currently live in.
Nevertheless, amidst this deep-seated dependency on speed and the power of instancy,
Rolex Société Anonyme
takes out
one year
to make
one Rolex watch
. (Pause and take that in).
One watch.
Twelve months.
Two hundred and fifty working days of piecing together each element, to make a time piece so perfect and flawless.
A baby born at the same time the very first piece of a Rolex is assembled, could very well be weaned and walking by the time the Rolex is to be on the market. It's not a mass production effort as you can see and it g
oes without saying that you’d value a Rolex over a Casio (no offence, Casio). This is simply because Rolex watches have a reputation for excellence, finesse, precision and quality....which you can see wasn't produced based on the instancy factor.
Take a cue from Rolex and resist the instancy factor, Charly. Soak yourself in self improvement exercises and don't jump on the market until you are fit for all weather. Get off the haste wagon and breathe. Take your time (but not forever) with everything; decisions, relationships, marriage, chewing
even!
With relationships, no rush there, I must tell you. If you are reading this in between relationships, no better time to invest in yourself! Become a better version of yourself before you meet the next guy (or the first guy).
If you already are in one, well, read it anyway and learn on the job. I am still learning on the job too! You’ll come to learn, as I have, that life is a giant sack of continuous self-improvement exercises, till the day the fat lady sings. The great thing is, you determine if she sings
allegro
or
adagio
!
I chose adagio.
So, in this fast world I live in, I have learnt to take my sweet time. I stop and breathe while others are moving. I brew my coffee and my tea (sometimes). I chew like a snail (that you could do a little faster). I listen a little longer, my gaze lingers by a second. Quickies....hmmn. Let's just say, "brew" there as well.
Don't let the crowd drag you along in its frazzled haste. Rest. Watch. Laugh. Listen. Most importantly, work on your character. Become the best version of yourself. It might not take a year like a Rolex or it might. Either way, it makes you a better person and from that emanates the Rolex-effect; the natural aura of luxury and perfection.
Love,
Greatgran x
That time I went on a Pre-Conjugal hunt.......
In the months before I got married, I went on a hunt.
It was called "the-marriage-advice-collation-from-random-people-because-marriage-manuals-are-just-darn-too-long" hunt. We didn't get an opportunity for pre-marriage counseling, therefore, we had to learn on the fly.
So the key word being random, I would ask people for marriage advice; strangers, friends, acquaintances, the elderly, the young, on the streets, plane, in conferences, on road trips; married, unmarried, never to be married (their words, not mine).
It was fun and it's amazing the wisdom that spews forth when people aren't expecting to be asked for advice! There were also some that were a bit creepy. Those I met with a side-glance and a "thank you" and won't be included in this post. Lol. Here are the top ten! Enjoy!
1.
"
Party!
Don't be that couple who stays home all day, peaking from behind the curtains at the cool neighbors!"
That Dutch guy (not married)
West London, London
2.
"Take your time with kids, they will come. In the while, please have fun!"
The super-model with the endless legs (m.2011)
West London, London
3.
"Be kind to one another and have lots of sex!"
The Yoruba lady (m. Since 1958)
Ibadan, Nigeria
4.
"Enjoy the good times but learn to enjoy the "not-so-good times."
That Spanish guy (not married)
West London, London
5
.
"Take time to cool off before you retort. Actually, scrap that, Don't retort."
The Italian lady (m.2009) Rome, Italy
6.
"Give each other space to be individuals."
The Indian guy (not married)
Holland Park, London
7.
"Don't pass on angry sex!"
The hot Lebanese girl(m. 2012)
West London, London
8.
"Feed him"
"Listen to what he says during the fights"
The Nigerian guy (m. 2011)
North London, UK
9
.
"Don't be too serious. Laugh at each other."
The Greek/Irish Couple (m. Since 1964)
Boston, MA Logan Airport
10.
"I had never cooked before I got married, I never had to. I remember the day I made my husband meatloaf for dinner. He ate it all; everything on his plate. Right after dinner, he says to me 'Mary, I love you but don't ever make that again'. From then on, he made the meatloaves. Wise, constructive criticism, develop that."
The Bostonian lady
Boeing, 747-400, somewhere over the Atlantic
Thank you to everyone who gave me marriage advice. I pray you have the most blissful lives and marriages! Amen.
Ten things to do before the end of April!
April (my favorite month, for not too obvious reasons) is almost gone! Now making every second count. To that end, here's Ten things to do before the end of April.
Have great a weekend! x
1. Watch Fast and Furious 7, if you are a little broke like me, watch the
then we can discuss how the Rock broke his Plaster of Paris caste with his biceps at 2.05
2.
Look over your goals and new year resolutions and evaluate. How's that diet going? Gym attendance dwindling yet? Aye! I've been in the gym more through other people's Instagram posts than physically this year. Get on the treadmill! Summer is upon us and the makings of a beach bod starts now (actually starts in February but hey....)
3.
Get that wax! (this includes the men too) If you have no idea what I'm talking about click
4. Draw a map of your country and label all states. If you can't, be comforted, my first attempt was ridiculous too (I'll have mastered it by Sunday though)
5. Stop asking yourself what to eat tonight! Use the "roll the dice" tab on
.com!
6. On the 30th of April, tell someone how your really feel about them or their hair or their breath. It's honesty day!!! Comes only once a year , best capitalize!
7. Spring clean! It's time to thoroughly clean your living space and your mind too. Assess your relationships. Forgive those you need to and make it a habit to be grateful and cheerful.
8.
Discover a talent you have! This requires alone time and trying new things. Try something new every week (food, movie/music genre, follow someone new on IG even!)
9. Pray for SA, the Middle East, Ukraine, Kenya, Nigeria, African Americans. The month of May had better have better news
10. Number ten! Drumroll!!!! Subscribe to Pagesbyike!!!
The Wax Affair : Heads up Down below! (#TBT)
For as many seeking the best way to get rid of hair on the undersides (*giggle*she said "undersides") and wonder what a wax feels like, wonder no more! I am here to share my experience. For almost 12 months now, I have been trying to convince two of my friends to get a wax and abandon the pungent smell of hair-removal cream and the 'in-growth fairy god-mother'; the shaving stick. Every time, I mention it, their eyes get this distrustful glazed look, a glare echoing reminiscence (i wonder why). Anyway, I dedicate this post to them.
I have gotten a wax done three times and I do not know which time was the most painful. It's already public knowledge that I don't do pain. Each time, I have had to constantly remind myself that I am a grown woman and I would have to exercise some self-control during the process....these reminders, all, of course, die once we start.
Ok, It's not fair that I make it sound horrendous and frighten any virgin-waxers and my friends but it is horrendous. The result, on the other hand is excellent. It's like eyebrow-threading. At the end, you look like a lawnmower ran over your face and left identical red highlights on your brow bones but that's ok, because you look excellently groomed and sharp, same down there with the wax! [Note: I convinced these same friends to get their brows threaded for the first time, hence, the deep distrust they have for me. hehe]. Get your wax on guys, let bygones be bygones! Muhaha.
First, I wouldn't recommend trying this on yourself unless of course you are trained to. I once tried waxing myself in the privacy of my own bathroom. That day, I trotted to the store, bought a home kit, locked myself in the bathroom and began with my underarms. Summary: disaster, I had to walk akimbo for 3 days. LOL!I'd recommend going to a specialist. They are trained to do this. Plus they have the bird's view and are able to reach areas you can't.
Bullet points on how it went down and what to expect....
- You follow the esthetician into a quaint, clean ( if otherwise, you are toast) room with a bench and table of equipment (ointment, wax heater, application sticks which remind me of ice-cream)
- Happy-faced esthetician (always happy faced) briefs you on the procedure. Asks you to strip your bottoms and lie down on the bench while she exits the room and probably stabs herself with a happy drug that helps her deal with your bushy genitals
- Smiling esthetician returns (always too early but knocks first thankfully)
- She folds back the towel you have covered your lower region with (which you hope she'd just leave in place and magically do her job, while never having to acquaint herself with your "privies")
- She lathers on warm, o, wonderfully warm wax and starts a conversation. You think to yourself, "This isn't so bad, what's that pagesbyike on about. Pain spain.....
- ....And then krrrrrrrrrrrchhh! Lights go off in your head like New year's eve. It's like a brain freeze plus a brain explosion. It's like an explosion in the Artic
- Then you let out this high pitched squeal-laugh caused by shock, pain and unpreparedness
- At this point you will be able to know if this is for you or not. Some people leave at this point (The Lord knows there have been times I almost jumped off the bench half shaven and still willing to pay the full price. Heck, I could have paid extra if she would just leave me alone). Thankfully they don't start down the middle and leave you with a Nigerian flag situation down there. So you can leave at this point
- If you stay after the first strip........my friend, we should meet. Chances are that you may be tough enough to outlast the Apocalypse and I want to be on your team
- Then comes the next warm wax lather and strip , it's no better than the first. You'd think the pain dips or plateaus but no....
- More conversation...Some praise from the esthetician (if she sees tears collect at the corner of your eyes)
- Approximately 8 "krrrrrrrchs" later...you are almost done.
- Then the butt wax. There's no dignified way to get this done....so humble yourself and remember that P.diddy dyes his pubes for whatever reason, which we will never know and never want to know. Dyed pubes. That always makes me feel better. I don't know why. Hope restored.
Everything I just said aside, it's really not that bad. Think of it as "ripping off the band-aid several times". If I, the queen of Nopainville, can, so can you! Go for it! It does a great job, gets you all groomed and tidy. Watch some Youtube videos. This one really helped me. This one is just plain entertaining. LOL
Allergies must be reported to the esthetician and yes, pop a painkiller some minutes before going in.
When you are done, you get a free lollipop. Not!
Happy waxing!
Letters to my Greatgrand daughter: This Panty business
Dear Charly,
Imagine you are hanging out with two girls; maybe colleagues, friends, acquaintances of yours. They are whispering, giggling and shuffling their feet excitedly. They seem to be speaking in some form of coded lingo, you watch their eyes twinkle as they continue in this undiluted state of delight.
You notice one of the girls has something concealed in her clenched right fist. She quickly shoves it into the pocket of the other girl. They squeal and giggle animatedly. They both look into their pockets. They, apparently, both have this thing evoking such a buzz. They glance at you briefly, contemplating whether to let you in on the subject.
What did they both have in their pockets? What was so exciting? You are mildly intrigued. With every giggle, you become more aware of how far out of the loop you are. The more they whisper, the further your chances of joining in this sweet celebration. A smile tugs at your lips as you wonder what this buzz could be about.
They tease you by peeking into their pockets at the shrouded mystical enigma. You are on the verge of bursting with anticipation.Overwhelmed with suspense, you beg them to show it to you.
"I'll keep it a secret, I promise." you say.
A part of you knows you won't.
After a while, one of them pulls it out of her pocket. Two lacy briefs. Dirty. Discolored. Worn. A little stinky too. You recoil in disgust but still you lean in, curious. Why were they keeping dirty underwear in their pockets? Then the initial panty-bearer tells you one weird fact after another about these underwears.
First, they are not hers. At this point you are certain you will be sick.
Second, she got them from some else (who also isn't the owner either).
Third, she is willing to hand them to you too. You could be a proud owner! One filthy lacy pair of briefs which doesn't belong to you! She shoves one into your pocket. You stagger back. You can't bring yourself to bring it out of your pocket. It was disgusting and it smelt....bad. The other girl seemed accustomed to this panty-business. She brings it out and hurriedly goes to show it another group of girls nearby.
Charly, I will say this once, stay away from people who peddle other people's dirty laundry. It really is as gross as I have described. If it's someone else's mess then it sure shouldn't be in your pocket. Learn to mind your own business. Actually, love to mind your own business; your daily mundane tasks, your celebrations and your mistakes. If you don't, you will easily develop a taste for gossip and relish all the flavors it packs, not to mention your own issues will go unattended to.
The great thing about gossip peddlers is that they are easy to spot! Usually from one conversation with them, you can tell they have a social and emotional impotence which they try to plug by gossiping and rummaging through laundry bags. Be aloof to gossip, it makes you unapproachable to peddlers. Rebuff every conversation that skids off track into the dark alleys of idle chatter. If you can't decipher what gossip is ask yourself, if it is your business. If you need to ask if a subject is really your business, it most probably isn't. Learn to respect information given to you. Do not pass it on.
Fact: Gossip is caustic. It eats into lives, relationships and your reputation.
Do not put yourself in a position where stale panties are shoved in your pocket.
Don't be the grapevine, don't be the wee little birdie and most importantly don't play in a pile of some else's dirty laundry. Uber-eww.
Love,
Greatgran x
Psych 1: Big cat sage
I will write this in no particular order, touching on the fragments that make up that pivotal moment of attraction.
The first thing I would talk about happens to be my personal favorite and I'd say it is the cornerstone upon which everything involved in reeling in a female builds on.
Psychology.
The study of mind and behavior.
Let me tell you the fascinating story of how old lions hunt. Genius predators. Old and spent, they no longer have all the vigor of youth but they have what young lions lack; experience, wisdom.....patience. When the old lion spots a prey, he stays out of sight, stalking the prey and sprays a swathe of his urine in a wide circle around the area where prey is peacefully grazing... And then it roars.
If you have not heard a lion roar in real life (not on TV), it's hard to understand the event. When I first met my wife, one of our first few dates was to a zoo (she has a thing for zoos). We walked into the zoo, and after walking a few feet in I saw this guy run past us with a crazy look in his eyes, following closely behind him was a girl (his date maybe). I stopped and looked around trying to figure out what was happening. Another disbanded group hurried past us to the exit.
For a second I was sure one of the animals had escaped. And then I heard it; it was one of the scariest things I would ever hear. I could swear it came from behind me. A roar. Deep, menacing, confident, encompassing. I had never heard one before in real life, but I was sure without doubt it was a lion and it WAS right behind me.
My wife-then-girlfriend who was a couple of feet ahead of me turned around, and as if on cue, we proceeded to run into each other, comically bouncing apart and continued running in opposite directions. I later had to endure mumbling an apology at the speed at which I moved, this was one of the few times I lost my cool.
After some research, I found out the sound of a lion’s roar envelopes you and and there is almost no way to detect the direction it's coming from. And so the prey reacts instinctively in fear by running for its life. However, every time it smells the lion's pee, it turns back and runs in the opposite direction till it runs right into the waiting arms, or jaws of the lion. Dinner is served.
Now this is the old lion.
The young lion is what we see on Television, running, chasing, panting, exerting energy, in a bid to capture its prey.
The old lion or the young lion; brains or brawn? Which will you be?
Rule 1
: As a businessman, never do the chasing.
Psych, to be continued…
Ten things (plus one) you didn't know about girls with certain body types
I love research! I love research not related to school and credits, let me say. So anyway, I spent some time looking into some scientific studies done on the female body types and certain characteristics associated with them. Some of these scientific findings you might know already, others, not so much. Just remember these are not my facts, blame the scientists if you have any protests. Men, let's hear your thoughts on this one (especially #11) Girls, let's love beyond the size-barrier. Here goes....
1.Skinny girls are less fussy about size
(A-hem!) Skinny girls apparently are less discriminatory about size. So basically, "I have a big penis" is not the ideal pick-up line for a skinny girl.
[Yes, that's an actual pick-up line. I can testify! To be fair, he didn't use those exact words and it wasn't his first sentence, it was embedded into the conversation but that didn't make it less shocking. I couldn't blame him either, he really needed a selling point. He really really did].
Ok, back to the list.....
2.Men under stress are more attracted to "heavier" women
At the start of the study, the men were shown photos of women of varying sizes. Skinny girls were preferentially selected as more attractive. The men were then given some mentally ruffling activity and suddenly, they began to find the heavier girls more attractive! So I have no idea what's going on here....men, do you have an explanation for this? Studies also show that men in impoverished communities find bigger women more attractive too. I guess I would be an old maiden in those environs.
3. Men love the hips
Hold up that weight loss program! For ages, women have been trying to get rid of the fat in the hips....then Shakira sang "Hips don't lie" and we felt a little better. Studies show men love hips! Here's the snag, they love the a small waist too. So basically, the hour-glass shape. Ok, we all knew that. What we don't know is how to get the motivation for the teeny tummy. Here's a little encouragement I got during this research endeavour; women with smaller tummies have an easier time during child-birth than girls with more waist fat. If that doesn't encourage you...I don't know what will but i'll keep looking.
4. Curvier girls have bigger brains!
This, I didn't see coming. If you are scrunching your nose at number 3 and saying "I don't need a man to love my hips", here's another reason to appreciate your hips. Girls with bigger hips have a higher Omega-3 store in those hips. Omega-3; the ultimate brain food increases brain volume, aids learning and memory and protects the brain cells. Why didn't someone tell me this when I was in school.......And so begins my dedication to Omega-3 supplements. Wait, does that count?
5. Bigger girls are happier than skinny girls
Skinnier girls have loads to be grumpy about; small penises#1, being second best to stressed-out men#2, brains#4, C'mon! Bigger girls are clearly smiling to the bank. Lol!
6.Skinnier girls make more money
Yay! Good news for us finally. No one really knows why but there it is, all science-y and proven and stuff.
7. Skinny friends make you feel fatter
Ditch those skinny friends! Another reason skinnier girls are not as happy. By being my slender self, I apparently make my bigger friends more self-conscious and probably unhappy. Please don't ditch us. In our defence, studies show that having skinny friends actually help you stick to your your diet but not without making you feel fatter first. hehehe. Show your skinny friends some love.
8. Short girls are less ambitious
I don't know what short girls were used in these study but they haven't met my sister. She would have truly skewed their results.....horribly.
9. We embrace our body types if our men accept them too
We women find it easier to love our bodies if our men accept us as we are.So no matter how independent we are, we still have the inherent need for validation from the men in our lives. You can imagine that this has its pro's and con's. On the jolly side, it's wonderful to be accepted but lovingly nudged to the gym. On the other hand, it's also possible to be nudged to the cosmetic surgeon for a tummy tuck or bigger breasts! Dear men, loads of us struggle with self-image
insecurities
, but you can fix that. All you need to do is accept us; bass or treble.
10. Instagram (any photo-sharing platform, really) fuels self-image insecurity
This is a given. I love instagram but really.........those squatted bums, defined abs! And the bad news is, if you thought the last few months hurt your self-image or made you feel fatter, wait until summer,
when the coats come off and the bikinis scream A-hoy!
11. Girls with bigger hips tend to lose their virginity sooner!
I just had to add this. Please protest accordingly below!
Share with your curvy, skinny friends or men who you know would like this.
Sources:
http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3041609
http://elitedaily.com/news/world/study-fat-people-happier-skinny-people/
http://adage.com/article/news/study-skinny-women-bottom-line/130021/
http://healthland.time.com/2012/08/09/why-stressed-out-men-prefer-heavier-women/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201206/eternal-curves
Pictures:
Philly2philly.com
imgarcade.com
tomima.com